I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009


Pardon the title- it's not my doing as you will soon read! I have had a hectic few weeks and been quite lazy to write amidst all the wonderful stuff that's going on in this life of mine!! I also lost a close friend and was stung by it quite bad but as with all things, time heals.

Anyway, today's article ain't about me- infact when i got the email- I was quite perturbed and since I got it yesterday- I've been thinking of what advice I could possibly give- I am still thinking and nothing really comes to mind for now.. I'm throwing it out there, people - it'll be hard but try not to judge and please be objective- then you'll see why I am having difficulty giving advice.... but what's done is done and I think ultimately she needs our help and let's give it as best as we can. Again, the writer is completely anonymous to me and I will call her 'Bisi' for the purpose of this story and I have not edited the contents of her story and YES, the title is directly from her as well. Here goes....

Bisi's Story

Dear Mrs. No Soul,

Sorry for the dramatic heading but that’s the best way I can sum up my situation. Where do I start from so that this story can make sense to people reading it?

While I was doing my NYSC, I met a much older guy, he was about 50yrs old then and he was extremely successful. I was posted to Ibadan, Oyo State, though life there was different from Lagos, I would, on the whole, sum Ibadan up as a very lively city where you meet a lot of influential people and Chief was one of them.

Before I moved to Ibadan and met Chief I was dating Dapo, we had been together since we were in Uni and everybody assumed we would later get married. Chief advised me to keep my relationship with Dapo as he could not marry me as he already had four wives and he was getting too tired of the domestic squabbles among the wives and taking a fifth wife would surely send him to his grave. Though I loved Chief very much I knew it would be difficult to present him at home as my partner, so I took Chief’s advice and kept Dapo.

Dapo never suspected a thing because he was doing his NYSC in Ilorin and it was only a couple of times we met up in Lagos where we both lived before service. Chief spoilt me silly in Ibadan, I had my own apartment and a nice car to cruise around in and the spare cash was used in taking care of Dapo. Not that Dapo was collecting money from me, he was a proud guy and would die first before asking for money from me, but I did buy him a lot of presents and would often lie that I got a lot of financial perks working as the PA to the MD of the company I was posted and that I was often bribed by people who desperately wanted appointments with him.

I started traveling everywhere with Chief and soon enough people in Ibadan started referring to me as Iyawo kekere, I didn’t really care because I was sure that the gist would never filter to Lagos, because life in Ibadan was just too remote and the rich people of Ibadan who live there never come to Lagos.

By the end of the service year, things had started picking up for Dapo career wise, he was retained and even promoted with a fantastic package. Chief advised me to move back to Lagos and even counseled me on how to get Dapo to propose to me. It was at this point that I discovered I was pregnant, although I had been sleeping with both of them, I was certain the pregnancy belonged to Chief , when I told him, he said I should terminate the pregnancy and even gave me money to go abroad to terminate it. I traveled out of the country but rather than have the abortion I spent the money shopping and I called Dapo to tell him I was pregnant. He was overjoyed and requested to bring his parents to meet mine upon my arrival. I agreed and I cut all ties with Chief from then.

We had a modest wedding and within seven months I gave birth to our son. He didn’t look like Dapo at all and luckily for me he had some of my features but he was a spitting image of Chief, luckily what happened in Ibadan stayed well in Ibadan and Chief did not make any attempt to look for me.

When my son turned 4yrs, he started to fall ill and there was never anything wrong with him. He is now 5yrs old and about 8months ago I gave my life to Christ and started attending a Pentecostal church. During one of our services the Pastor announced that a certain Woman had offended God and her Husband by passing off her lover’s child as her husband's and that was the reason why the child had been experiencing strange and unexplained ailments and until she confessed she would know no peace and neither would the child.

I knew in my heart that it was me the Pastor was referring to, that was three months ago, I have still not found the courage to confess to my husband, it is hard watching my son suffer so much because of my sin, but how do I explain to a husband that the boy he’s called son for 5yrs belongs to another man and how do I explain to my son one day that the reason his father left us is because the man wasn’t really his father. And how would he feel about me knowing I was the cause of his suffering and pain as a child and the fact that he had a permanent room in a hospital because he spent a lot of days and nights there??

The reason why I am writing to Mrs. No-Soul is so that maybe she can provide me with a solution on how to tell my husband about my secret without wrecking our relationship or maybe someone out there can advice me on how to go about it.

And finally I am wondering if I should look for Chief and tell him about our Son, so that if Chief accepts him my son will have a father. Just a thought though.

Monday, 13 April 2009

So We went off on a family Holiday.......

Happy Easter Folks- sorry for the break in transmission- I was out of the country and I am sure you know that travelling with kids is simply not the easiest feat. There’s so much to say- I am really knackered though, but I will try my best.
It started in December when the kids wrote Santa a letter saying that they wanted to go to Disneyland in Paris for Christmas, but we didn’t go because we knew it would be too cold, went to Dubai instead and promised that we would go over their Easter holiday because the summer is full with summer school and football camp respectively (we really keep them occupied during holidays)!
So, considering it was all previously discussed and agreed, I made travel arrangement for the kids and I- hubby usually handles his thru his office or PA- whatever!!!, I gave him our dates. The first thing that ticked me off was his response- do I really have to go?- business just started to pick up after a bad start to the year and I don’t mind funding the trip et al- but to actually get up and go...... I chose not to react and instead, simply shrugged and said- “whatever floats your boat dear- you must know I don’t mind either way- the only thing is, pls don’t leave it to me to break it to your children that you cannot make it- do it yourself and don’t wait till last minute. In the meantime, let’s discuss how to begin transfers to my UK account”.
The trip was meant to be a total of 10 days- to see docs etc in London for first few days- go off to Disneyland and Bordeaux and back. I decided not to take any nanny cos I heard the visa application process to get schenghen visas have changed and since none of us need visas- I couldn’t be bothered to go through that for a 10 day trip and I don’t even think the French give domestic visas.

Anyhow, Oga said to kids that he will join only from the Thursday before Easter and stay for the long weekend. So there we are, having a great time when he calls and says he is coming with NBF because he’s been ill and needs a break. I said no worries and asked if I should book an extra room for the guy- he asked me to book 2 extra rooms, that he doesn’t think there’s any need for us to pretend in Paris and thus no need to share a room and quipped that he is sure I have some new toys to try out anyway. So I said, good- at least our son can share with you and you can both bond man to man. He said “pls don’t change the arrangement from what it presently is- can a man not want some peace and quiet??”
Why the hell was he bothering to come?
Next, NBF’s wife called me- now, she’s much older than I am so we don’t really have a relationship, apart from greetings and attending each other’s functions with the hubbies. She asked me if I am aware that NBF is coming with Dele to Paris and wanted to know if it was an inconvenience. I said- not really and she told me that it is not easy being married to men like them. I said- ah, men like what, ma? My hubby is just a loyal friend, she said, he should be a loyal husband first. I asked her why she didn’t simply accompany her hubby and she replied that she has a business to run and it is a busy time- besides, it would be a waste of time. She said I should come and visit her when I return, and that surely, I must have wondered why the hubbies have not encouraged us to be close. Truth is, I had wondered, cos my hubby respects her a lot but has never said to me- you should visit Mrs NBF and he usually makes sure I am close to his friend’s wives and serious girlfriends etc. But I had put it to the age factor, but I guess NBF is similarly older than him, so really- there was no case!! Anyway, I will not go and see her because they have been married for almost 20 years and I don’t want to be taught how to sit tight in all the shit that’s going on!!
When they arrived ( Dele and Uncle NBF in tow), even my children were upset because they didn’t ask Santa for a holiday with 2 daddies and 1 mummy. It was so awkward and I ensured that we were only together at meal times. To avoid being disturbed, Dele left his Visa Card with me, told me the pin code etc and I decided to use only his card for the rest of the trip, buying all manners of unnecessary things. It didn’t help much though, I cannot describe how I felt majority of the time but during a massage treatment, I ended up crying nonstop for 90 minutes- the lady thought she had hurt me. I can’t even explain what triggered it, but I wept and wept and shook and trembled- I think it was anger, more than anything to be honest- I have always been one of those people who get angry to the point of tears. I had planned to do some detective work but honestly, I couldn’t be bothered after a while, so I left it at goodnight every night after dinner.
As we got ready to leave this morning- they announced that they’d fixed a meeting in Germany for Tuesday and Wednesday. Good riddance to bad rubbish. And we came home!!!
I need to understand what exactly is going on? I don’t know how to ask him- I don’t want to be slapped or beaten AND he often says things like- you are blinded by your assumptions etc etc!! I don’t want my children to start asking me why their father has only one male best friend now and why their Godfathers- who are all friends he has had since he was 5 years old have stopped visiting and hanging with their dad or why he never plays footie on Sundays any more with his mates. On top of it all- I have to act like its all hunky dory and it’s everyone else who’s crazy, as far as everyone knows – we went on a fab family holiday! My mind is constantly working overtime wondering what the next step to take is.
Oh and by the way, remember Tanya- from a few posts ago, turns out she made up her mind to leave after coming to see me last month- went home, cooked a meal and iced some bottles of his champagne – she wanted to tell him in a very relaxed mood and at home while the boys were asleep. Anyway, she called me tonight to say that they kept drinking after eating and she didn’t want to spoil the mood as she wanted to leave very amicably and peacefully. She ended up sleeping with him for the first time in over 6 years and now has a missed period... ain’t life a bitch?!

Friday, 3 April 2009

On a MUCH lighter note.....

This is a pseudo- naughty post...

It's just about the joys of having sex toys and how a rampant rabbit has replaced my hubby (for most of the time) AND any desire for another man... I hear it is classified under the sin of masturbation by some- but I think I will be more willing to defend masturbation than adultery on judgement day.

I am and have always been a sensual person, I lost my virginity at 19, to a guy who made sex feel like the worst chore that ever existed. I would have really nice and naughty dreams but when it came to the real thing - &^%&^£&$, words escape me. Bottom line is - he was just a selfish bastard.

He was my first boyfriend from when I was 17 and also my first love. After 2 years of telling me he would wait until we got married, he finally kinda pressured me into 'doing it' (to be truthful and fair, I was also quite curious and smitten at the time) and to say I was disappointed, is a major understatement, teehee- not that I knew any better o.

We eventually broke up when I was 21- because a very close male family friend of mine told me that a girl is also supposed to enjoy sex and then asked me to imagine sleeping with this dude for the rest of my life (seriously, at that point, he wanted us to get married, I was 21). So, I broke it off with him and I know I would have been in an even more miserable marriage than I am, if I had married him.

This same close male friend of mine introduced me to my first ever vibrator (by buying it, cos I was too embarrassed to be seen in Ann Summers) and looking back now- I think he was just trying to get into my knickers (cos he ought to have been embarrassed too) - ha ha!! And so I built up a nice collection of toys as the years went by.

When I started dating the man who I am now married to, as soon as I showed him my toy collection, he made me get rid of them- he said he couldn't compete with non living objects. This was sort of our deal that we would never leave it long enough for me to even miss my toys.. and that was the case until NBFgate! So, about 3 years ago- on one of our 'separate' together holidays- I went crazy on toy shopping- I visited 3 European cities on that trip and in each city visited their best toy shops. Thank goodness when you're leaving Europe, they don't search your suitcases manually like in Nig!! Now every 6- 9 months, I get bored and dump my collection for a new one..

Anyway, the reason that I am going on and on today is because yesterday, after a few glasses of wine with my best friend, who came visiting, I finally got round to feeling like using the newest Spanish one from my Valentine's weekend alone. As we still share a room (I think after last night, he'll finally concede to my request to sleep in the adjoining room), I shocked myself by using it when I thot he was asleep ( seriously, he usually is a VERY deep sleeper).... and ended up waking him up and when I came out of the loo, he was sitting up and proceeded to give me this really really sad and wistful look and when I got back into bed, made a half - hearted attempt to try to grope me...

LOL- my response was 'honey, I just had a really good orgasm... go back to your dreams- whatever they were...sorry i woke you up'.. his response..nada, but we didn't expect much back, did we? :-)...

You clearly can tell I'm in a very good mood today.. it's one of those days that I wish wouldn't end!! Although, I feel like this post is TMI (too much info), I'm gonna post it anyway.. might put you in a good mood too xoxo

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Still Opening Up

my last post was the hardest thing I have done in a loong while- it is the first time I have actually acknowledged the fact or entertained the thought of even seeking to discuss it with another human being.

Anyway, so after my X5- things just got progressively 'worse'- if any of the kids sneezed, they had to go to England to see a doctor- if I had a headache- the same thing- we were just on another level of reality and when I questioned my hubby- he said to me that his business had picked up and that he wanted to give his family the best- I told him we only needed to see him more and that since he met his NBF - things were a bit weird. We were still intimate- but it sort of seemed like he wasn't really enjoying himself anymore- and after a while- I also started to make my excuses. One day- I told him that there was something I needed to discuss with him-

Me: Hon, do you think there's something amiss between us? Your NBF seems to have taken my place in your heart- something that none of the kids could achieve.....

Him: and what's that supposed to mean?

Me: well, you go off on business trips and strangely haven't invited me to go on any- in the past- when you had to travel for such trips- you would ask me to join you at east at the weekend? Have I done something wrong? have I put some weight on (which I knew I hadn't) or are we at the place where yo just don't find me sexy anymore?

Him: listen, I haven't got the time for this trivial conversation- do I not provide for you and our family? am i failing in my responsibilities? when you should be praising me- you're saying I don't find you sexy... why don't you find someone that will make you feel sexy - if I am falling short?

Me ( getting really pissed off btw): ah ah; find someone- can't believe you would even suggest that- I wonder what's going on that you won't say... or should we get a divorce?

Him: I really don't have time for this..

Me: well, maybe you should - cos I am sick to death of feeling like I am losing my husband to a man who everyone says / knows is gay.....

Him: WHAT? did you just say?

Me: well, maybe you should- cos I'm .... he cuts in-

Him: I heard you loud and clear the first time and you are even about to repeat it..

Him to Me- an earth shattering SLAP!!

Him: Don't you EVER say that to me about NBF!! and storms out...

So, I stay slapped for a while till the stars cleared- I am light- skinned- so my cheek was really sore and I dare say I could still see his prints on my face.

That weekend- one busy body friend of mine came round to see me- Where's Dele? she asked- he's out, I said.. She continued- 'I hope he's not with NBF o- their relationship is very disturbing- don't you find it disturbing? , I mean the guy is a legendary gay person - everyone knows and we all know his closeness with so and so, a prominent Northern Nigerian - has been proven to be sexual.. I hear Dele now goes to Abuja all the time and whenever he meets his old friends- he just goes on and on about NBF and this so and so man! I am quite worried for you. My Husband even said the other day that a friend of a friend saw Dele and NBF shopping for expensive watches at Harrods and it looked a bit too cosy. Does he have a new watch? and everyday, we hear about men doing really strange things in Abuja for contracts and stuff...

She went on and on and on and on.... when she finished or paused for air? I told her I needed to go out and basically ushered her out nicely. I cried my eyes out cos she truly had described my new husband- who couldn't stop talking about NBF and Mallam so and so.

At that point- I had to ask myself- was she insinuating that my hubby is now gay? because I had not even thought about it as a possibility... I was just concerned for his reputation and had not even given rise to such a damaging thought.

So, I started to watch very closely- I had already been slapped, which was out of character for Dele and quite honestly- was not ready to get beaten on top of it all. He came back quite contrite after slapping me- said that NBF mad him see sense- that I was bound to hear rumours and had a right to be concerned and he shouldn't have slapped me and he apologises etc etc and hugs me.. I just begged him never to hit me again because I would leave and take my kids with me. He went tense and then he said - I won't... and went off to the den to watch TV which was on till I fell asleep.

In the midst of all this- my hubby sacked his driver of 5 years- when I asked why-he just mumbled an excuse and that was it.

So I arranged a meeting with the ex-driver (without his knowledge)- when I asked what had happened- after a looong silence and a promise of 100k in cash- he said to me that - On the day he got fired, like always- he took my hubby to Oga NBF's 'house' after work- and that day- my hubby had left his phone in the car and it kept ringing- so he figured it might be important and decided to take it in.. he says he walked into the house ( which by now, had been established to be a guest house and not NBF's marital home ) - and didn't see anyone in the living room and went on upstairs and was stopped in his tracks by some moans and groans... and decided to go back.. Now, he says that he assumed the guys had been meeting some women and on the way home- he apologised to my hubby that he shouldn't have come in and that madam (me) would never hear about it- the poor guy should have shut up cos apparently hubby called NBF and said - the driver says he came in ..blah blah blah and the conversation ended with OK BUT when they got home- my hubby relieved the guy of his job and gave him a cheque for 250K.

I gave the guy his money and went home... I didn't mention the meeting with the driver to my hubby- I just told him that I hear that he and NBF go to guest houses with women.... he said I must be joking and that - hand on heart, he and NBF have had to go to some private office- to do some private conference /video calls....hmmmmmm!!! He swore that they don't and have never met any women anywhere - that they are very into their work etc etc... so what do you think my driver heard??? the conference call?? or my man and NBF doing the nasty??!!

Things started falling apart- I mentally dropped out of the marriage and just sit there because I love him with all my heart but I really just wish I wasn't married to him. He is really into keeping up appearances and has said I must never leave otherwise I won't see my children. He senses that I know or suspect something and have tuned off... Now, 4 years on, we just plan our tactics to keep people thinking that we are really into each other.. and we are damn perfect at it, if I may say so myself :-)

tell you more later....