I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009


Pardon the title- it's not my doing as you will soon read! I have had a hectic few weeks and been quite lazy to write amidst all the wonderful stuff that's going on in this life of mine!! I also lost a close friend and was stung by it quite bad but as with all things, time heals.

Anyway, today's article ain't about me- infact when i got the email- I was quite perturbed and since I got it yesterday- I've been thinking of what advice I could possibly give- I am still thinking and nothing really comes to mind for now.. I'm throwing it out there, people - it'll be hard but try not to judge and please be objective- then you'll see why I am having difficulty giving advice.... but what's done is done and I think ultimately she needs our help and let's give it as best as we can. Again, the writer is completely anonymous to me and I will call her 'Bisi' for the purpose of this story and I have not edited the contents of her story and YES, the title is directly from her as well. Here goes....

Bisi's Story

Dear Mrs. No Soul,

Sorry for the dramatic heading but that’s the best way I can sum up my situation. Where do I start from so that this story can make sense to people reading it?

While I was doing my NYSC, I met a much older guy, he was about 50yrs old then and he was extremely successful. I was posted to Ibadan, Oyo State, though life there was different from Lagos, I would, on the whole, sum Ibadan up as a very lively city where you meet a lot of influential people and Chief was one of them.

Before I moved to Ibadan and met Chief I was dating Dapo, we had been together since we were in Uni and everybody assumed we would later get married. Chief advised me to keep my relationship with Dapo as he could not marry me as he already had four wives and he was getting too tired of the domestic squabbles among the wives and taking a fifth wife would surely send him to his grave. Though I loved Chief very much I knew it would be difficult to present him at home as my partner, so I took Chief’s advice and kept Dapo.

Dapo never suspected a thing because he was doing his NYSC in Ilorin and it was only a couple of times we met up in Lagos where we both lived before service. Chief spoilt me silly in Ibadan, I had my own apartment and a nice car to cruise around in and the spare cash was used in taking care of Dapo. Not that Dapo was collecting money from me, he was a proud guy and would die first before asking for money from me, but I did buy him a lot of presents and would often lie that I got a lot of financial perks working as the PA to the MD of the company I was posted and that I was often bribed by people who desperately wanted appointments with him.

I started traveling everywhere with Chief and soon enough people in Ibadan started referring to me as Iyawo kekere, I didn’t really care because I was sure that the gist would never filter to Lagos, because life in Ibadan was just too remote and the rich people of Ibadan who live there never come to Lagos.

By the end of the service year, things had started picking up for Dapo career wise, he was retained and even promoted with a fantastic package. Chief advised me to move back to Lagos and even counseled me on how to get Dapo to propose to me. It was at this point that I discovered I was pregnant, although I had been sleeping with both of them, I was certain the pregnancy belonged to Chief , when I told him, he said I should terminate the pregnancy and even gave me money to go abroad to terminate it. I traveled out of the country but rather than have the abortion I spent the money shopping and I called Dapo to tell him I was pregnant. He was overjoyed and requested to bring his parents to meet mine upon my arrival. I agreed and I cut all ties with Chief from then.

We had a modest wedding and within seven months I gave birth to our son. He didn’t look like Dapo at all and luckily for me he had some of my features but he was a spitting image of Chief, luckily what happened in Ibadan stayed well in Ibadan and Chief did not make any attempt to look for me.

When my son turned 4yrs, he started to fall ill and there was never anything wrong with him. He is now 5yrs old and about 8months ago I gave my life to Christ and started attending a Pentecostal church. During one of our services the Pastor announced that a certain Woman had offended God and her Husband by passing off her lover’s child as her husband's and that was the reason why the child had been experiencing strange and unexplained ailments and until she confessed she would know no peace and neither would the child.

I knew in my heart that it was me the Pastor was referring to, that was three months ago, I have still not found the courage to confess to my husband, it is hard watching my son suffer so much because of my sin, but how do I explain to a husband that the boy he’s called son for 5yrs belongs to another man and how do I explain to my son one day that the reason his father left us is because the man wasn’t really his father. And how would he feel about me knowing I was the cause of his suffering and pain as a child and the fact that he had a permanent room in a hospital because he spent a lot of days and nights there??

The reason why I am writing to Mrs. No-Soul is so that maybe she can provide me with a solution on how to tell my husband about my secret without wrecking our relationship or maybe someone out there can advice me on how to go about it.

And finally I am wondering if I should look for Chief and tell him about our Son, so that if Chief accepts him my son will have a father. Just a thought though.

Monday, 13 April 2009

So We went off on a family Holiday.......

Happy Easter Folks- sorry for the break in transmission- I was out of the country and I am sure you know that travelling with kids is simply not the easiest feat. There’s so much to say- I am really knackered though, but I will try my best.
It started in December when the kids wrote Santa a letter saying that they wanted to go to Disneyland in Paris for Christmas, but we didn’t go because we knew it would be too cold, went to Dubai instead and promised that we would go over their Easter holiday because the summer is full with summer school and football camp respectively (we really keep them occupied during holidays)!
So, considering it was all previously discussed and agreed, I made travel arrangement for the kids and I- hubby usually handles his thru his office or PA- whatever!!!, I gave him our dates. The first thing that ticked me off was his response- do I really have to go?- business just started to pick up after a bad start to the year and I don’t mind funding the trip et al- but to actually get up and go...... I chose not to react and instead, simply shrugged and said- “whatever floats your boat dear- you must know I don’t mind either way- the only thing is, pls don’t leave it to me to break it to your children that you cannot make it- do it yourself and don’t wait till last minute. In the meantime, let’s discuss how to begin transfers to my UK account”.
The trip was meant to be a total of 10 days- to see docs etc in London for first few days- go off to Disneyland and Bordeaux and back. I decided not to take any nanny cos I heard the visa application process to get schenghen visas have changed and since none of us need visas- I couldn’t be bothered to go through that for a 10 day trip and I don’t even think the French give domestic visas.

Anyhow, Oga said to kids that he will join only from the Thursday before Easter and stay for the long weekend. So there we are, having a great time when he calls and says he is coming with NBF because he’s been ill and needs a break. I said no worries and asked if I should book an extra room for the guy- he asked me to book 2 extra rooms, that he doesn’t think there’s any need for us to pretend in Paris and thus no need to share a room and quipped that he is sure I have some new toys to try out anyway. So I said, good- at least our son can share with you and you can both bond man to man. He said “pls don’t change the arrangement from what it presently is- can a man not want some peace and quiet??”
Why the hell was he bothering to come?
Next, NBF’s wife called me- now, she’s much older than I am so we don’t really have a relationship, apart from greetings and attending each other’s functions with the hubbies. She asked me if I am aware that NBF is coming with Dele to Paris and wanted to know if it was an inconvenience. I said- not really and she told me that it is not easy being married to men like them. I said- ah, men like what, ma? My hubby is just a loyal friend, she said, he should be a loyal husband first. I asked her why she didn’t simply accompany her hubby and she replied that she has a business to run and it is a busy time- besides, it would be a waste of time. She said I should come and visit her when I return, and that surely, I must have wondered why the hubbies have not encouraged us to be close. Truth is, I had wondered, cos my hubby respects her a lot but has never said to me- you should visit Mrs NBF and he usually makes sure I am close to his friend’s wives and serious girlfriends etc. But I had put it to the age factor, but I guess NBF is similarly older than him, so really- there was no case!! Anyway, I will not go and see her because they have been married for almost 20 years and I don’t want to be taught how to sit tight in all the shit that’s going on!!
When they arrived ( Dele and Uncle NBF in tow), even my children were upset because they didn’t ask Santa for a holiday with 2 daddies and 1 mummy. It was so awkward and I ensured that we were only together at meal times. To avoid being disturbed, Dele left his Visa Card with me, told me the pin code etc and I decided to use only his card for the rest of the trip, buying all manners of unnecessary things. It didn’t help much though, I cannot describe how I felt majority of the time but during a massage treatment, I ended up crying nonstop for 90 minutes- the lady thought she had hurt me. I can’t even explain what triggered it, but I wept and wept and shook and trembled- I think it was anger, more than anything to be honest- I have always been one of those people who get angry to the point of tears. I had planned to do some detective work but honestly, I couldn’t be bothered after a while, so I left it at goodnight every night after dinner.
As we got ready to leave this morning- they announced that they’d fixed a meeting in Germany for Tuesday and Wednesday. Good riddance to bad rubbish. And we came home!!!
I need to understand what exactly is going on? I don’t know how to ask him- I don’t want to be slapped or beaten AND he often says things like- you are blinded by your assumptions etc etc!! I don’t want my children to start asking me why their father has only one male best friend now and why their Godfathers- who are all friends he has had since he was 5 years old have stopped visiting and hanging with their dad or why he never plays footie on Sundays any more with his mates. On top of it all- I have to act like its all hunky dory and it’s everyone else who’s crazy, as far as everyone knows – we went on a fab family holiday! My mind is constantly working overtime wondering what the next step to take is.
Oh and by the way, remember Tanya- from a few posts ago, turns out she made up her mind to leave after coming to see me last month- went home, cooked a meal and iced some bottles of his champagne – she wanted to tell him in a very relaxed mood and at home while the boys were asleep. Anyway, she called me tonight to say that they kept drinking after eating and she didn’t want to spoil the mood as she wanted to leave very amicably and peacefully. She ended up sleeping with him for the first time in over 6 years and now has a missed period... ain’t life a bitch?!

Friday, 3 April 2009

On a MUCH lighter note.....

This is a pseudo- naughty post...

It's just about the joys of having sex toys and how a rampant rabbit has replaced my hubby (for most of the time) AND any desire for another man... I hear it is classified under the sin of masturbation by some- but I think I will be more willing to defend masturbation than adultery on judgement day.

I am and have always been a sensual person, I lost my virginity at 19, to a guy who made sex feel like the worst chore that ever existed. I would have really nice and naughty dreams but when it came to the real thing - &^%&^£&$, words escape me. Bottom line is - he was just a selfish bastard.

He was my first boyfriend from when I was 17 and also my first love. After 2 years of telling me he would wait until we got married, he finally kinda pressured me into 'doing it' (to be truthful and fair, I was also quite curious and smitten at the time) and to say I was disappointed, is a major understatement, teehee- not that I knew any better o.

We eventually broke up when I was 21- because a very close male family friend of mine told me that a girl is also supposed to enjoy sex and then asked me to imagine sleeping with this dude for the rest of my life (seriously, at that point, he wanted us to get married, I was 21). So, I broke it off with him and I know I would have been in an even more miserable marriage than I am, if I had married him.

This same close male friend of mine introduced me to my first ever vibrator (by buying it, cos I was too embarrassed to be seen in Ann Summers) and looking back now- I think he was just trying to get into my knickers (cos he ought to have been embarrassed too) - ha ha!! And so I built up a nice collection of toys as the years went by.

When I started dating the man who I am now married to, as soon as I showed him my toy collection, he made me get rid of them- he said he couldn't compete with non living objects. This was sort of our deal that we would never leave it long enough for me to even miss my toys.. and that was the case until NBFgate! So, about 3 years ago- on one of our 'separate' together holidays- I went crazy on toy shopping- I visited 3 European cities on that trip and in each city visited their best toy shops. Thank goodness when you're leaving Europe, they don't search your suitcases manually like in Nig!! Now every 6- 9 months, I get bored and dump my collection for a new one..

Anyway, the reason that I am going on and on today is because yesterday, after a few glasses of wine with my best friend, who came visiting, I finally got round to feeling like using the newest Spanish one from my Valentine's weekend alone. As we still share a room (I think after last night, he'll finally concede to my request to sleep in the adjoining room), I shocked myself by using it when I thot he was asleep ( seriously, he usually is a VERY deep sleeper).... and ended up waking him up and when I came out of the loo, he was sitting up and proceeded to give me this really really sad and wistful look and when I got back into bed, made a half - hearted attempt to try to grope me...

LOL- my response was 'honey, I just had a really good orgasm... go back to your dreams- whatever they were...sorry i woke you up'.. his response..nada, but we didn't expect much back, did we? :-)...

You clearly can tell I'm in a very good mood today.. it's one of those days that I wish wouldn't end!! Although, I feel like this post is TMI (too much info), I'm gonna post it anyway.. might put you in a good mood too xoxo

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Still Opening Up

my last post was the hardest thing I have done in a loong while- it is the first time I have actually acknowledged the fact or entertained the thought of even seeking to discuss it with another human being.

Anyway, so after my X5- things just got progressively 'worse'- if any of the kids sneezed, they had to go to England to see a doctor- if I had a headache- the same thing- we were just on another level of reality and when I questioned my hubby- he said to me that his business had picked up and that he wanted to give his family the best- I told him we only needed to see him more and that since he met his NBF - things were a bit weird. We were still intimate- but it sort of seemed like he wasn't really enjoying himself anymore- and after a while- I also started to make my excuses. One day- I told him that there was something I needed to discuss with him-

Me: Hon, do you think there's something amiss between us? Your NBF seems to have taken my place in your heart- something that none of the kids could achieve.....

Him: and what's that supposed to mean?

Me: well, you go off on business trips and strangely haven't invited me to go on any- in the past- when you had to travel for such trips- you would ask me to join you at east at the weekend? Have I done something wrong? have I put some weight on (which I knew I hadn't) or are we at the place where yo just don't find me sexy anymore?

Him: listen, I haven't got the time for this trivial conversation- do I not provide for you and our family? am i failing in my responsibilities? when you should be praising me- you're saying I don't find you sexy... why don't you find someone that will make you feel sexy - if I am falling short?

Me ( getting really pissed off btw): ah ah; find someone- can't believe you would even suggest that- I wonder what's going on that you won't say... or should we get a divorce?

Him: I really don't have time for this..

Me: well, maybe you should - cos I am sick to death of feeling like I am losing my husband to a man who everyone says / knows is gay.....

Him: WHAT? did you just say?

Me: well, maybe you should- cos I'm .... he cuts in-

Him: I heard you loud and clear the first time and you are even about to repeat it..

Him to Me- an earth shattering SLAP!!

Him: Don't you EVER say that to me about NBF!! and storms out...

So, I stay slapped for a while till the stars cleared- I am light- skinned- so my cheek was really sore and I dare say I could still see his prints on my face.

That weekend- one busy body friend of mine came round to see me- Where's Dele? she asked- he's out, I said.. She continued- 'I hope he's not with NBF o- their relationship is very disturbing- don't you find it disturbing? , I mean the guy is a legendary gay person - everyone knows and we all know his closeness with so and so, a prominent Northern Nigerian - has been proven to be sexual.. I hear Dele now goes to Abuja all the time and whenever he meets his old friends- he just goes on and on about NBF and this so and so man! I am quite worried for you. My Husband even said the other day that a friend of a friend saw Dele and NBF shopping for expensive watches at Harrods and it looked a bit too cosy. Does he have a new watch? and everyday, we hear about men doing really strange things in Abuja for contracts and stuff...

She went on and on and on and on.... when she finished or paused for air? I told her I needed to go out and basically ushered her out nicely. I cried my eyes out cos she truly had described my new husband- who couldn't stop talking about NBF and Mallam so and so.

At that point- I had to ask myself- was she insinuating that my hubby is now gay? because I had not even thought about it as a possibility... I was just concerned for his reputation and had not even given rise to such a damaging thought.

So, I started to watch very closely- I had already been slapped, which was out of character for Dele and quite honestly- was not ready to get beaten on top of it all. He came back quite contrite after slapping me- said that NBF mad him see sense- that I was bound to hear rumours and had a right to be concerned and he shouldn't have slapped me and he apologises etc etc and hugs me.. I just begged him never to hit me again because I would leave and take my kids with me. He went tense and then he said - I won't... and went off to the den to watch TV which was on till I fell asleep.

In the midst of all this- my hubby sacked his driver of 5 years- when I asked why-he just mumbled an excuse and that was it.

So I arranged a meeting with the ex-driver (without his knowledge)- when I asked what had happened- after a looong silence and a promise of 100k in cash- he said to me that - On the day he got fired, like always- he took my hubby to Oga NBF's 'house' after work- and that day- my hubby had left his phone in the car and it kept ringing- so he figured it might be important and decided to take it in.. he says he walked into the house ( which by now, had been established to be a guest house and not NBF's marital home ) - and didn't see anyone in the living room and went on upstairs and was stopped in his tracks by some moans and groans... and decided to go back.. Now, he says that he assumed the guys had been meeting some women and on the way home- he apologised to my hubby that he shouldn't have come in and that madam (me) would never hear about it- the poor guy should have shut up cos apparently hubby called NBF and said - the driver says he came in ..blah blah blah and the conversation ended with OK BUT when they got home- my hubby relieved the guy of his job and gave him a cheque for 250K.

I gave the guy his money and went home... I didn't mention the meeting with the driver to my hubby- I just told him that I hear that he and NBF go to guest houses with women.... he said I must be joking and that - hand on heart, he and NBF have had to go to some private office- to do some private conference /video calls....hmmmmmm!!! He swore that they don't and have never met any women anywhere - that they are very into their work etc etc... so what do you think my driver heard??? the conference call?? or my man and NBF doing the nasty??!!

Things started falling apart- I mentally dropped out of the marriage and just sit there because I love him with all my heart but I really just wish I wasn't married to him. He is really into keeping up appearances and has said I must never leave otherwise I won't see my children. He senses that I know or suspect something and have tuned off... Now, 4 years on, we just plan our tactics to keep people thinking that we are really into each other.. and we are damn perfect at it, if I may say so myself :-)

tell you more later....

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Opening Up......

I think my hubby is Gay......

OK, rewind... shouldn't have said that. I should have said- I think my hubby is Bisexual.

I can hear all your questions - screaming at me-

How long have I suspected this? Why do I suspect? Have I confronted him? Do his folks and siblings know what I suspect? Do my folks and siblings? and alll the other many questions- I will answer you- or at least try to.

Dele and I got married in the summer of 1998 and had a nice big wedding- both of us- with prominent Yoruba backgrounds... it was a match made in heaven and I had just completed my masters and he was already working in an oil firm and after a healthy 2 year courtship- i got married at 25, a year older than my mom had. Our first child came when I was 27 and Dele and I spent the first 2 years of our marriage on a different level of courtship- we were always an example to other older/younger married couples... we kinda still are EXCEPT that- we really aren't!

Our first child came and it was the daughter my husband had always wanted arrived and not too long after, we had a son and another daughter-we seemed to have all we always prayed for and were the ideal family. He had grown within the company and after a few years decided to set up his own thing- but with the support of the company he'd been working with. I on the other hand, was working in investment banking but we never messed about with time with the children and holidays away etc.

Then one day Dele comes home, in the foulest of moods- one of his business partners had just stitched him in quite badly and he was fuming- he said he had to go and meet some dude over the weekend to resolve the issue- basically, I think his business partner rerouted the bank loan and kinda disappeared. So, off he went to meet this guy and we even talked while he was waiting to see the man. He came back singing this guy's praises and hinting that this guy even wanted a stake in the business and they had found a way to nail the bad partner. OK- no worries, at least he was happy again. To cut a long story short, this guy became my hubby's bestest friend on earth- all his childhood friends (and he's one of those people that has been friends with some people for 37 years) stated to complain- then one day, someone casually dropped it into the conversation that my hubby's new buddy ( a married man as well), was..... you know... GAY!!!

So, I am waiting stupidly for my hubby to return from SA with this guy just so I could give him the gist and ask if he knew ( and chastise him for not giving his wife the gist)- So, I went to pick hubby from the airport as we always do and I shuddered when they hugged each other to say good bye.... it hadn't even crossed my mind that it was a possibility that my hubby and him were involved- I just wanted to give my hubby the gist so in the car on the way home- we talked about the trip- he said - oh so and so ( new best friend) even upgraded my seat from Business to First Class both ways- so we could chat during the flight.... OK... I said "ah- he must really love you o anyway- I have gist for you but it's for indoors- cos I didn't want the driver to hear".

We get in - he plays with the kids and then says he's tired and wants to sleep- NOW- my hubby is REALLY REALLY into my body- or should i say 'was'. We were one of those people that could shag anywhere and anytime- it was like our bodies were trained to misbehave when we were around ourselves- our sex life was beyond awesome and I had a coil fitted cos I didn't want to be pregnant ALL the time!! Now he wants to sleep and I don't see that he's reaching out for me or mentally undressing me as he normally would- I had got my hair done and I was wearing something skimpy- as usual, so he wont have much to take off... I go into our bathroom and run a bath and ask him to come and relax with me and he says- "babes- I said I am tired"-alarm bells!!!!

I held off on the gist about Mr New Best Friend (NBF) and said "OK hon, I'll join you in bed in a bit"- did my routines and went to bed. Now My Body was trained to make love to my husband all the damn time and especially as he'd been away for a week- we knew we wanted some- so i thought- he must be tired but I'll let him be.. I'll get on top anyway etc etc.... I start trying to kiss my hubby and play with his sensitive nipples but he says to me again- Babes- I am really tired and need to get some sleep- let's do this tomorrow. In the history of our life together, even when I am sick or he is sick- (pregnancy or no pregnancy)- we always ALWAYS made love.. I didn't sleep that night... to be honest- 4 years on - I still don't sleep well!

The next day- he was out of bed and says he's meeting Mr NBF for brekkie to discuss the trip- I wondered aloud whether that wasn't why he had been upgraded to first class... later that afternoon, we had a brand new BMW X5 delivered- this was a car I had wanted since it came out- but with giving 3 children the best education, living conditions and holidays ever- we agreed that we won't change our cars every year as we used to besides we already had 4 cars between us and the kids- all high end luxury cars. I called Dele to ask why the car was here- he said he asked them to deliver it- that he told NBF how much I loved the car and NBF convinced him to buy it for me. I was deflated, all I wanted was for my hubby to sleep with me as we used to and believe me- when you had what we had sexually- you would miss it even before its gone!

I knew there was a problem because we didn't sleep together for 2 weeks after he returned if he didn't pick a fight, then he would be in Abuja for the night or come back home at 2 am and fall asleep on the sofa and just generally- became this cranky beast!!

I am very wary of Loooooong posts... so I think I will stop here for now- my chest even hurts as as I type.. will be back tomorrow with more....

Monday, 30 March 2009

Gold ≠ Glitter

It was such a pleasant surprise to receive my first email from an external source prompted from my last post. I don't know her name and will call her ' Lola'. She has even sent me follow up emails saying that she has not seen her post up- I coined up the title, because it sums up her story.... so here goes- I have not edited nor tampered with it. I hope you enjoy her story - it was a good read for me and it is purely for advisory purposes, I suppose....

Dear Mrs. No-Soul, I’m not sure how your blog works but a close friend of mine told me about you and suggested I could share my story with you and your readers.

I wouldn’t say I have any scandalous story per se, the reason why I am sharing my story is to warn young ladies that when choosing a husband they need to be aware that not all that glitters is gold and they shouldn’t let anyone pressure them into marrying certain type guys just because they appear to be husband material and come from families with popular names.

It all started when I was about twenty one and I had just graduated from university and about to start my second degree. I had tried two serious relationships while at university and I was disappointed by the immaturity of my peers so I was really keen to find an older mature guy. At a Christmas party in 2000 I went for my best friends’ Xmas party and at the party she kept winking at me and nudging me that a certain guy liked me. Being a curious girl I wanted the scoop and details of the guy and I discovered he was an investment banker, had a flat in a nice area of London and he invested heavily in property all over London.

I agreed to go on a date with this guy even though I didn’t fancy him, all I could think about was “I’m so lucky, this investment banker (IB) is interested in me, and I was already doing a mental calculation of his gross earnings and what he was likely to get as bonus”. You see at that time in England you were guaranteed a good life if you were dating the son of a prominent Nigerian, an investment banker or a razz olodu (credit card fraudster), I was happy that at least I got an investment banker, wouldn’t have minded the son of a prominent Nigerian, but I had to manage this one.

I found myself agreeing to date this guy after we went on a couple of dates though I couldn’t stand him and generally I hated the way saliva collected at the sides of his mouth. For our first valentines, he flew me to Barcelona, my friends were green with envy and I did not hesitate to tell them that we were flying business class and staying at a five star hotel.

That was the worst trip of my life, it was cold and it rained throughout even though the guy had told me that he had checked weather forecast. He irritated me from beginning of the trip to the end, but I had to pretend because I was a girl on a mission. At the end of the trip he fell in love, he claimed I was fun and I managed the bad weather and the disappointment well and he was very impressed with me. I was flabbergasted and really surprised because I thought I had blown my chances, I guess that confirmed that I was a top and first class actress. It was a very tough relationship, at a point I decided to end it, I was depressed and I was just tired of pretending to be in love just so that I could marry an investment banker. Anyways I ended it and went back to the olodu guy I was dating before investment banker guy came along, it was a crap relationship also but at least money was coming in.

One day in September I was with olodu guy watching CNN, and then I couldn’t understand what was going on, a plane had just flew into a tall building, later I realized that was events of 9/11 I had just watched live on TV. I felt sorry for the victims and prayed for them and I later went shopping with Olodu guy. Went back to school the next day and I think it was while I was watching eastenders that a got a phone call, imagine my disappointment when I realized it was investment banker guy calling, he was ranting about how he was in new York and as soon as the attack began all he could think about was me, I was really irritated but as usual I entertained his call because I could already see the headlines, “survivor of twin tower attack proposes to girlfriend” and the caption “I realized I was in love when I thought I would die”. You see I was leaving a superficial life and it was all about show, glitz and life on the fab lane, I had to have that sort of life no matter what even if I had to sacrifice my happiness. IB guy promised he would call me to talk properly once he was able to get out of New York; all American airports were shut to prevent further attacks.

To cut the long story short, IB guy came back, we began dating and I introduced him to my family, they were all impressed with him, who wouldn’t he was solid on paper. Anyways I began a serious relationship with IB Guy even though I loathed him; I even thought we would get married soon. I waited 6 solid years for this proposal, and it later emerged that IB guy was the most sting guy on the surface of the earth, and he had commitment issues, he was always giving one clever excuse or the other why he couldn’t propose yet. By this time we had both moved to Nigeria. Family and friends began to wonder why he hadn’t proposed, I fed them the same story he fed me, he was building a house in Victoria island and he wanted his wife to live in his own house and not in a rented apartment, my parents ate up the story, they all said I should stop complaining, that how many of my friends got married and moved to their own house.

After spending so long waiting for the proposal it felt like one of those projects that you just have to see through no matter what, I hated my boyfriend, in fact I hated his family, it turned out I even came from a better background than him, but I guess living in London and working in an investment bank had refined him. While waiting for his proposal to come I decided to entertain myself with other men, in fact I had about a dozen flings and two serious relationships all in Lagos. IB guy didn’t even notice, he was busy working and being stingy to notice.

We eventually got married after the 7th year, and did I mention that I had not had any type of intimacy with him three years preceding our wedding. I must have been mad to think I could settle down into married life with him.

After the wedding, my eyes opened, I knew I had set myself up big time, things did not change, all those that encouraged me to marry him questioned me and blamed me for not telling them that there was no intimacy between us, and why I never mentioned IB guy never gave me anything, that they assumed that he was the one providing all the good things I had. Even though I tried on many occasion to tell my mum and my sisters about the problem, they would always silence me and say I wasn’t ready to settle down and that I would regret it if I left him. Obviously I was afraid of being poor so I just held on to IB guy thinking at least I would live in a comfortable house both in Lagos and UK and prob several more countries.

My marriage only lasted one year, I could never bring myself to sleep with my husband, the few times I did I had to get drunk and my husband could not give money without reluctance and the way he abuses beggars still makes me cringe to date.

I know I have myself to blame and its so hard starting all over again because I still don’t know what to look for in a man, all I hear is settle down with a man that has prospects and can take care of you. We Nigerians are really shallow and I think we all marry for the wrong reasons. I am sending my story, not because I want any sympathy, but because I want young women to know that there is more to dating a man and marrying him than the size of his bank account and is ability to provide for them.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Anyone out there??

It's really nice to be on blogville, it is very lovely community and I love the anonymity of it all. I love the open-ess here and that I can bare my heart out.

I am very unhappy today, infact, I have been unhappy since the week began but only decided to pick myself up a bit- thing is, if I don't pick myself up when I fall to pieces- no one will.

I am sure you are curious to know what has happened in the last few days- my mother-in-law's shindig went very well, as usual, I kept up the whole happily married charade and entertained my friends who came along. Did my hubby bother to invite people to his own mother's birthday- not really... was he even there? not really? after the service, he popped out to a meeting with some foreign partner who came in the night before.... these are the sort of things that make me loathe him even more and more... he is so insensitive- TO ANYONE and ANYTHING, it's ridiculous.

I am unhappy because I just found out that a younger friend of mine- who got married 2 years ago has been going through the worst marital turmoil ever. I can't even talk about her story right now- it seems too surreal. I wish I had warned her- young girls just want to get married these days- like it is the solution to their problems- when you ask them to slow down, they look at you like- 'yeah, easy for you to say- Mrs perfectly married'. I have not stopped thinking about hers or my situation ever since.. and that's something I never do- usually I put a mental block to it!

I remember when I was dating my hubby- I made a phone call to an aunt that I am really close to and she'd been married for about 20 years- she said to me 'I know you are probably thinking about marriage and most people are pressuring you and asking you "when"- please my dear - think hard and think well, there is no hurry to this thing called marriage- it is not all it is cracked out to be'.... I should have listened, but I thought she just had a bad day- the things I know now!!

I remember when I was getting married- another aunt said to me and my friends - Be very clear about what you are getting into and most especially- WHY!! IF you're marrying for love, don't get there and start saying- he has no money! and IF you're marrying for money, don't get there and start saying he doesn't show you love! I didn't marry for money - but where's the love???

Listen, I have put up my email address- If you have a story to share, or you need advice and would like me to post it as a blog- email me....

I am in the dumps today and I really can't share right now- I will share as soon as I feel better.. I am just a bit of a mess today and I'm sorry you had to read it so early on... I just needed a listening ear- even though I am just rambling.

signing out for today.....

Friday, 20 March 2009

Tanya's Story

Thanks for the comments and the welcome, people. I feel highly honoured.

Today has been one of those days- I have been up all morning, calling the tailors to deliver mine and the kids' outfits for mom in laws party tomorrow. Hubby's mom still does his and his siblings- oh well, saves me the trouble!! Also getting ready for the 'gele' (head-tie) girl to come and tie the gele which I will then place on my head perfectly tomorrow. She can't come to the house tomorrow because hubby is quite cranky and can erupt anytime and I can't risk any gossip starting all because I want to wear a nice headtie.

More about me later- today is meant to be about Tanya. She's in her mid 30s and has been married 8 years with a set of 6+ year old twin boys. Its been rocky on and off but no one really knew the details, word had it she'd moved out a couple of times. Until she came to see me- this is her story......I have written it in the 1st person for easy reading....

"I always knew my husband was a womaniser but I was so relieved when he married me amongst the many girlfriends he had at the time. The day he proposed to me was the best day of my life and today, I don't know if I can still call it that.The signs first started after about 1 year of our marriage, when I was about 4 months pregnant- the first trimester had been hellish and being my first pregnancy, I was scared of everything including my own shadow!

I had morning, afternoon and night sickness and the last thing I wanted was to sleep with my hubby and I thought he would understand and all. Anyway, I'm 4 months gone and he comes in one evening from work all sweet and patronising- maybe I just have a suspicious mind, I thought. He made me a hot chocolate and took me to our bedroom and waited till I was asleep. You know when pregnant, u pee a lot especially if the baby is on your bladder (as my twins were). I needed the loo and woke up about 20 mins after I had drifted off into sleep and noticed he wasn't there and thought- he must be watching the late news or something and left it. I got up a few more times that night and to be honest, after a while concluded he was being nice cos he'd snuck out to hang with the boys! No big deal, I thoughtA few weeks later, things got worse cos the househelp my mom had brought from calabar left without notice. So I was cooking, cleaning etc. My hubby was really supportive though and immediately pressured his mom and about a week later we got another girl from Benue. After about 2 months, I had to go to Chicago to have my babies- hubby said I had to go early because it was twins and I was not coping well here. So I left. He came once a month and when the babies came he came for 2 wks and came with the nanny (I requested for help). This benue girl that could barely speak english when I left- was such a nuisance now. And bringing her to america I think made it even worse. I kept my cool. When we returned home- I burnt her passport and sent her packing.

Luckily, we had got 2 nannies ready for each twin waiting for our return. As soon as we arrived, my mom sent them over and I was trying to bond with my hubby and the twins too.To cut a long story short, when the twins were about 4 months old, I noticed one day that the girls were not talking to one another! And won't say why but it was evident that these girls who were so close like sisters, now couldn't stand one another. At first my friends said jokingly that maybe they were fighting over the cook or the driver or security guard. So one day, I asked them- they won't say anything!! Until I came back early one afternoon from a friend's dad's funeral and walked in on a big fight, they were tearing at each other's clothes in the middle of the day and I thought I mis-heard 'leave my oga for me' or rather I thought they were fighting over me. The minute they saw me, they stopped and I called them back and asked, they kept quiet- I called the police and it turns out that they had both been sleeping with my husband and were now both jealous because they both loved him.

Then the neighbour's help told her madam that the 2 previous girls- benue and calabar had also done and as a matter of fact, so good was my husband that she and a few other girls in our apartment block had been there, done that. My husband? My husband? The father of my twins? I cried and cried and decided from that day never to sleep with him again. I told his parents- they begged me to keep mum. My mom and dad also said its a scandal and to keep mum to protect my home and our names!!

The reason I am here to see you Mrs NoSoul, is because I am done and want a divorce. I haven't slept with him since the twins were 4 months old. Now they're over 6 years old. I have had affairs with 2 men in the whole time and I don't want to sin anymore. My parents know you and respect you, your marriage and our friendship. I want you to be there when I say I want out!!!"
I was shell shocked at Tanya's story and I still am!! But I told her not to give up yet, to hang in there, for the kids! For the security behind being a Mrs Somebody! What do you think? She has no idea about my life and I can't be as open with her as she has been with me. I feel really bad but I want your views.

Should she stay?

Thursday, 19 March 2009

My First Post!

Dear Blogville,

I have to say, I have been a blog reader for over 3 years now and although I really enjoyed reading blogs, I never saw myself as a blogger. I had no idea how to go about it, I have soo much to say and having recently become a "pseudo- agony aunt" to many many young and middle -aged married ladies... I find myself wondering if REALLY I've got the answer to it all!

I'll tell you this- I have the perfect marriage - at least that's how it looks on the outside- if only it was not so rotten on the inside.... its dead, decayed and appalling but in the spirit of keeping up appearances- not many people can tell. I am a master of my game. This is why many people come to me- saying they wish they had my life, my marriage and want my advice..
They think my hubby and I are soo romantic, oh just last valentine's day- they gushed in awe because we were going to Paris for the weekend- little did they know- my hubby spent the weekend in London and I in Madrid- we flew out together and flew back together- only separating and meeting at London heathrow... no questions asked, no comments made. we were back... from a lovely romantic weekend and as usual, I just smiled and smiled at all the 'You're so lucky' comments.....hmmmmm!!

How did things get this bad? How did we get here? How do you explain after being married for 10 years having dating for 2.5years prior to marriage that things are non existent? How do you tell people that it is all a lie? All they see is the posh area of town you live in, the nice cars you drive, the pictures of you and hubby, the beautiful kids and the in laws... I love my children but one thing is for sure..... I never should have gotten married! How can my life be so bland at 35??I resent marriage and stay with me, I'll tell you why soon.

My next post will be about 'Tanya' (not her real name) who came last week with her issues and seeking advice..maybe you can help too!! Being an agony aunt (who is in 'secret' agony herself) ain't easy!!

And that's my entrance to blogville.. See you soon!!