I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Monday, 30 March 2009

Gold ≠ Glitter

It was such a pleasant surprise to receive my first email from an external source prompted from my last post. I don't know her name and will call her ' Lola'. She has even sent me follow up emails saying that she has not seen her post up- I coined up the title, because it sums up her story.... so here goes- I have not edited nor tampered with it. I hope you enjoy her story - it was a good read for me and it is purely for advisory purposes, I suppose....

Dear Mrs. No-Soul, I’m not sure how your blog works but a close friend of mine told me about you and suggested I could share my story with you and your readers.

I wouldn’t say I have any scandalous story per se, the reason why I am sharing my story is to warn young ladies that when choosing a husband they need to be aware that not all that glitters is gold and they shouldn’t let anyone pressure them into marrying certain type guys just because they appear to be husband material and come from families with popular names.

It all started when I was about twenty one and I had just graduated from university and about to start my second degree. I had tried two serious relationships while at university and I was disappointed by the immaturity of my peers so I was really keen to find an older mature guy. At a Christmas party in 2000 I went for my best friends’ Xmas party and at the party she kept winking at me and nudging me that a certain guy liked me. Being a curious girl I wanted the scoop and details of the guy and I discovered he was an investment banker, had a flat in a nice area of London and he invested heavily in property all over London.

I agreed to go on a date with this guy even though I didn’t fancy him, all I could think about was “I’m so lucky, this investment banker (IB) is interested in me, and I was already doing a mental calculation of his gross earnings and what he was likely to get as bonus”. You see at that time in England you were guaranteed a good life if you were dating the son of a prominent Nigerian, an investment banker or a razz olodu (credit card fraudster), I was happy that at least I got an investment banker, wouldn’t have minded the son of a prominent Nigerian, but I had to manage this one.

I found myself agreeing to date this guy after we went on a couple of dates though I couldn’t stand him and generally I hated the way saliva collected at the sides of his mouth. For our first valentines, he flew me to Barcelona, my friends were green with envy and I did not hesitate to tell them that we were flying business class and staying at a five star hotel.

That was the worst trip of my life, it was cold and it rained throughout even though the guy had told me that he had checked weather forecast. He irritated me from beginning of the trip to the end, but I had to pretend because I was a girl on a mission. At the end of the trip he fell in love, he claimed I was fun and I managed the bad weather and the disappointment well and he was very impressed with me. I was flabbergasted and really surprised because I thought I had blown my chances, I guess that confirmed that I was a top and first class actress. It was a very tough relationship, at a point I decided to end it, I was depressed and I was just tired of pretending to be in love just so that I could marry an investment banker. Anyways I ended it and went back to the olodu guy I was dating before investment banker guy came along, it was a crap relationship also but at least money was coming in.

One day in September I was with olodu guy watching CNN, and then I couldn’t understand what was going on, a plane had just flew into a tall building, later I realized that was events of 9/11 I had just watched live on TV. I felt sorry for the victims and prayed for them and I later went shopping with Olodu guy. Went back to school the next day and I think it was while I was watching eastenders that a got a phone call, imagine my disappointment when I realized it was investment banker guy calling, he was ranting about how he was in new York and as soon as the attack began all he could think about was me, I was really irritated but as usual I entertained his call because I could already see the headlines, “survivor of twin tower attack proposes to girlfriend” and the caption “I realized I was in love when I thought I would die”. You see I was leaving a superficial life and it was all about show, glitz and life on the fab lane, I had to have that sort of life no matter what even if I had to sacrifice my happiness. IB guy promised he would call me to talk properly once he was able to get out of New York; all American airports were shut to prevent further attacks.

To cut the long story short, IB guy came back, we began dating and I introduced him to my family, they were all impressed with him, who wouldn’t he was solid on paper. Anyways I began a serious relationship with IB Guy even though I loathed him; I even thought we would get married soon. I waited 6 solid years for this proposal, and it later emerged that IB guy was the most sting guy on the surface of the earth, and he had commitment issues, he was always giving one clever excuse or the other why he couldn’t propose yet. By this time we had both moved to Nigeria. Family and friends began to wonder why he hadn’t proposed, I fed them the same story he fed me, he was building a house in Victoria island and he wanted his wife to live in his own house and not in a rented apartment, my parents ate up the story, they all said I should stop complaining, that how many of my friends got married and moved to their own house.

After spending so long waiting for the proposal it felt like one of those projects that you just have to see through no matter what, I hated my boyfriend, in fact I hated his family, it turned out I even came from a better background than him, but I guess living in London and working in an investment bank had refined him. While waiting for his proposal to come I decided to entertain myself with other men, in fact I had about a dozen flings and two serious relationships all in Lagos. IB guy didn’t even notice, he was busy working and being stingy to notice.

We eventually got married after the 7th year, and did I mention that I had not had any type of intimacy with him three years preceding our wedding. I must have been mad to think I could settle down into married life with him.

After the wedding, my eyes opened, I knew I had set myself up big time, things did not change, all those that encouraged me to marry him questioned me and blamed me for not telling them that there was no intimacy between us, and why I never mentioned IB guy never gave me anything, that they assumed that he was the one providing all the good things I had. Even though I tried on many occasion to tell my mum and my sisters about the problem, they would always silence me and say I wasn’t ready to settle down and that I would regret it if I left him. Obviously I was afraid of being poor so I just held on to IB guy thinking at least I would live in a comfortable house both in Lagos and UK and prob several more countries.

My marriage only lasted one year, I could never bring myself to sleep with my husband, the few times I did I had to get drunk and my husband could not give money without reluctance and the way he abuses beggars still makes me cringe to date.

I know I have myself to blame and its so hard starting all over again because I still don’t know what to look for in a man, all I hear is settle down with a man that has prospects and can take care of you. We Nigerians are really shallow and I think we all marry for the wrong reasons. I am sending my story, not because I want any sympathy, but because I want young women to know that there is more to dating a man and marrying him than the size of his bank account and is ability to provide for them.


  1. I'm glad she realized her mistake of being driven to marry IB guy because of money and security.

    It's true, most Nigerian familes only allow their daughters marry into prominent families at the risk of their happiness. It really is sad.

    I hope Lola finds a good man she will actually LIKE..

  2. I'm learning from Lola's xperience, (and bliev that others will too), so it's safe to say her (painful) exerience has not been a waste afterall. She should pls take heart.
    Thank you for sharing this.

  3. i'm glad she realised there's more to marriage than living rich in several countries. It is sad but alot of women make same mistake regularly.

  4. I'm happy Lola realised her mistake eventually, i guess there is still hope that she can find anor man and try again.

  5. Thanks Lola for sharing your story. I'm glad you realize that there is FAR more to life than money.

    I hope you find love.

  6. wow..this story is quite sad but lola has realised that money cannot buy happiness. Thanks for sharing your story...

  7. First, I'd like to say a big Thank You to Lola for sharing this touching story- I hope you find a happy ending and can learn from past mistakes..
    @ Buttercup- you're right, my cousin lives in the states and because she fell in love with amd married a chef- her parents have practically disowned her- saying she married below her.
    @ CiderSweet- I am happy you arelearning from this- please tell your single friends too.
    @ Jayla- that's right- I go to weddings all the time and I can almost predict the length of some marriages..
    @ Pink Lips- there's always a second and third..etc chance... luckily!
    @ Sex Kitten- I also hope she finds love- first the love of herself above material wants and others' expectations!

    @ Wordmerchant- it is quite sad but at the end of the day- she had the strength to leave it all...

    Lola, I know you will probably read this to see the comments et al - I think you are very brave to share your moving story. Please feel free to stay in touch anytime. I am sure the rest of the blog will help to give bit of guidance as you search for happiness.
    I am of the opinion that money cannot buy you happiness and neither can a man (give you happiness)- so don't equate your search for happiness with a search for a man.. all the very best babes xx

  8. i am glad she shared her story we us. this is really an eye opener. am happy she got out early before it was too late. hope she finds happiness

  9. Seem she married for the wrong reasons even though the writing was on the wall. Marriage should not be about keeping up with the Joneses which for many would-be Nigerian spouses is the case

  10. Well i certainly will not sympathize with Lola. She got what she deserved. But its very important that others who might be like her- read her story. The marriage institution is like a big joke in Nigeria. People have no respect for it. And no morals.

  11. @ Dabizniz and Tigress- she has learnt from her mistakes- the aim is now to help others... marriage is overrated..end of!