I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Friday, 20 March 2009

Tanya's Story

Thanks for the comments and the welcome, people. I feel highly honoured.

Today has been one of those days- I have been up all morning, calling the tailors to deliver mine and the kids' outfits for mom in laws party tomorrow. Hubby's mom still does his and his siblings- oh well, saves me the trouble!! Also getting ready for the 'gele' (head-tie) girl to come and tie the gele which I will then place on my head perfectly tomorrow. She can't come to the house tomorrow because hubby is quite cranky and can erupt anytime and I can't risk any gossip starting all because I want to wear a nice headtie.

More about me later- today is meant to be about Tanya. She's in her mid 30s and has been married 8 years with a set of 6+ year old twin boys. Its been rocky on and off but no one really knew the details, word had it she'd moved out a couple of times. Until she came to see me- this is her story......I have written it in the 1st person for easy reading....

"I always knew my husband was a womaniser but I was so relieved when he married me amongst the many girlfriends he had at the time. The day he proposed to me was the best day of my life and today, I don't know if I can still call it that.The signs first started after about 1 year of our marriage, when I was about 4 months pregnant- the first trimester had been hellish and being my first pregnancy, I was scared of everything including my own shadow!

I had morning, afternoon and night sickness and the last thing I wanted was to sleep with my hubby and I thought he would understand and all. Anyway, I'm 4 months gone and he comes in one evening from work all sweet and patronising- maybe I just have a suspicious mind, I thought. He made me a hot chocolate and took me to our bedroom and waited till I was asleep. You know when pregnant, u pee a lot especially if the baby is on your bladder (as my twins were). I needed the loo and woke up about 20 mins after I had drifted off into sleep and noticed he wasn't there and thought- he must be watching the late news or something and left it. I got up a few more times that night and to be honest, after a while concluded he was being nice cos he'd snuck out to hang with the boys! No big deal, I thoughtA few weeks later, things got worse cos the househelp my mom had brought from calabar left without notice. So I was cooking, cleaning etc. My hubby was really supportive though and immediately pressured his mom and about a week later we got another girl from Benue. After about 2 months, I had to go to Chicago to have my babies- hubby said I had to go early because it was twins and I was not coping well here. So I left. He came once a month and when the babies came he came for 2 wks and came with the nanny (I requested for help). This benue girl that could barely speak english when I left- was such a nuisance now. And bringing her to america I think made it even worse. I kept my cool. When we returned home- I burnt her passport and sent her packing.

Luckily, we had got 2 nannies ready for each twin waiting for our return. As soon as we arrived, my mom sent them over and I was trying to bond with my hubby and the twins too.To cut a long story short, when the twins were about 4 months old, I noticed one day that the girls were not talking to one another! And won't say why but it was evident that these girls who were so close like sisters, now couldn't stand one another. At first my friends said jokingly that maybe they were fighting over the cook or the driver or security guard. So one day, I asked them- they won't say anything!! Until I came back early one afternoon from a friend's dad's funeral and walked in on a big fight, they were tearing at each other's clothes in the middle of the day and I thought I mis-heard 'leave my oga for me' or rather I thought they were fighting over me. The minute they saw me, they stopped and I called them back and asked, they kept quiet- I called the police and it turns out that they had both been sleeping with my husband and were now both jealous because they both loved him.

Then the neighbour's help told her madam that the 2 previous girls- benue and calabar had also done and as a matter of fact, so good was my husband that she and a few other girls in our apartment block had been there, done that. My husband? My husband? The father of my twins? I cried and cried and decided from that day never to sleep with him again. I told his parents- they begged me to keep mum. My mom and dad also said its a scandal and to keep mum to protect my home and our names!!

The reason I am here to see you Mrs NoSoul, is because I am done and want a divorce. I haven't slept with him since the twins were 4 months old. Now they're over 6 years old. I have had affairs with 2 men in the whole time and I don't want to sin anymore. My parents know you and respect you, your marriage and our friendship. I want you to be there when I say I want out!!!"
I was shell shocked at Tanya's story and I still am!! But I told her not to give up yet, to hang in there, for the kids! For the security behind being a Mrs Somebody! What do you think? She has no idea about my life and I can't be as open with her as she has been with me. I feel really bad but I want your views.

Should she stay?


  1. Mrs-No-soul, wow. If Tanya wants out, because the relationship with her husband and she doesn't want to sleep around, I would get out.

    I am cut-throat when it comes to these things. I don't know how live a lie. I can live in a hut by the river and be completely happy. Material things means very little to me. And I don't believe in staying for the kids. When we're unhappy it poisons everything and everyone around us.

    I just want to be happy.

    But...Where does Tanya stand on those issues?

  2. wow, i think she's tried enuf hangin on for 6 years. Being married and having affairs are not good either, i'ld say she needs to move on; either forgive hubby and make up(assuming he has stopped his housegirls obsession) or leave and continue life

  3. wow...good God things are happening out there...

  4. oh hell no...leave oh.

  5. First time on here, welcome to blogville

    I think she should definitely leave, she should have left when she first found out. Staying together for the kids sends the wrong message to them. i dont want to leave an epistle in your comments box but I did a post concerning this issue if you want to see what i really think

  6. OMD...the world is headind for the edge of the cliff....I am still shell shocked myself....wow....the only condition for divorce which is infidelity has been fulfilled so for purposes of keeping her sanity she should sign out soonest..

  7. Welcome to blogsville
    Hmnn this is tricky ooh as per she has kids n all....wil d man release his kids? Wil d divorce b messy n affect them? But like chari said for sanity purpose she needs ta check ouuta there

  8. oh wow..im sorry but what is the point of holding on if he so obviously has no regard for her and their marriage???? to hell with protecting the name..of what use is having a good image if one isnt happy??? and her having affairs too has just made things messy but thank God she doesnt want to continue..

    its a really sad situation..

  9. @ sexwriter- Tanya is a very successful woman in her field of work and quite frankly does not need the security based on material needs. where she stands is pretty clear right now- she wants out!

    @ Jayla- we honestly have no idea whether he is still shagging househelps around but one thing is for sure- he has not been celibate for 6yrs +.

    @ Afrobabe & Temite, there ae sooo may things happening out there and trust me, I hear and have seen so so much. I will share all, as we go along.

    @ scribble mefree- I did read your post- thanks for directing me to it. I talked about staying for the kids because they are boys and are really close to their dad.

    @ Chari- infidelity is NOT the only condition for divorce- where does 'getting battered fit in?- we'll get to that abother time.

    @ Qube- divorce is certainly a messy affair- no matter what angle you look at it from especially when there are children involved.

    @ Buttercup- her affairs are the one thing she regrets however, according to her- in her mind she really is not cheating on her hubby because their relationship is dead!

    Thank you for all the comments, I will bring any updates to your notice for sure. This is one tough decision, I tell you.. marriage truly is overrated.

  10. a single woman's perspective will always be different from the married ones. its easier for a single woman to say go....but till u are there dont be quick to give advice. it is a tough decision and must be weighed properly. remember that when a marriage breaks up the kids are also affected....may even end up hating u. that said it has to be thought over

  11. @ Jaguda- you're defitely right- but I find single women soooo lucky- until they complicate their lives by become a Mrs....

  12. I'm in totaly shock. I'mvery much in support of them getting a divorce. The fact he can stoop as low as having sex with the maids. uhn-hun. Now 2 wrongs dont make a right but there is too much water under the bridge.

    I sympathize with her and at the same time i dont cos she CLEARLY knew before getting married what type of guy he was. Why she felt she was so special that he'd change his ways becos of her..........is beyond me.

    Mrs NO- i totally believe this marriage thing is not easy at all but i want to believe there are some folks that do have a good marriage. In the Naija culture- u sef will know that being single can be challenging- check out my 2nd blog http://thecounselorandherthots.blogspot.com/2009/02/singles-through-eyes-of-church.html

    Then again if not for Christianity i probably wont get married- just have a partner.

  13. Each person NEEDS to know why they get into a marriage and what would make they get out if it. The answer for this is going to be different for everyone. Decide what your values are and what you would like in your future and stick with it. All decisions have consequences. For example, the boys growing up with thier dad may mean that they learn that it is ok for men (thier dad) to sleep with housegirls and women should learn to live with it (after all, thier mum did). However, if they grwo up without thier dad in the house, they may not have real role models and create one off the media. No one can tell Tanya what to do. Tanya needs to decide for herslef what is truly important to her, what she can live with and what she can live without.

  14. Anon April 10 9.15pm i agree.
    all these people telling her to leave... she has to decide for herself and the kids by herself. cos in the end no off u people tellinh her "not to live a lie" will be there for her.