I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Opening Up......

I think my hubby is Gay......

OK, rewind... shouldn't have said that. I should have said- I think my hubby is Bisexual.

I can hear all your questions - screaming at me-

How long have I suspected this? Why do I suspect? Have I confronted him? Do his folks and siblings know what I suspect? Do my folks and siblings? and alll the other many questions- I will answer you- or at least try to.

Dele and I got married in the summer of 1998 and had a nice big wedding- both of us- with prominent Yoruba backgrounds... it was a match made in heaven and I had just completed my masters and he was already working in an oil firm and after a healthy 2 year courtship- i got married at 25, a year older than my mom had. Our first child came when I was 27 and Dele and I spent the first 2 years of our marriage on a different level of courtship- we were always an example to other older/younger married couples... we kinda still are EXCEPT that- we really aren't!

Our first child came and it was the daughter my husband had always wanted arrived and not too long after, we had a son and another daughter-we seemed to have all we always prayed for and were the ideal family. He had grown within the company and after a few years decided to set up his own thing- but with the support of the company he'd been working with. I on the other hand, was working in investment banking but we never messed about with time with the children and holidays away etc.

Then one day Dele comes home, in the foulest of moods- one of his business partners had just stitched him in quite badly and he was fuming- he said he had to go and meet some dude over the weekend to resolve the issue- basically, I think his business partner rerouted the bank loan and kinda disappeared. So, off he went to meet this guy and we even talked while he was waiting to see the man. He came back singing this guy's praises and hinting that this guy even wanted a stake in the business and they had found a way to nail the bad partner. OK- no worries, at least he was happy again. To cut a long story short, this guy became my hubby's bestest friend on earth- all his childhood friends (and he's one of those people that has been friends with some people for 37 years) stated to complain- then one day, someone casually dropped it into the conversation that my hubby's new buddy ( a married man as well), was..... you know... GAY!!!

So, I am waiting stupidly for my hubby to return from SA with this guy just so I could give him the gist and ask if he knew ( and chastise him for not giving his wife the gist)- So, I went to pick hubby from the airport as we always do and I shuddered when they hugged each other to say good bye.... it hadn't even crossed my mind that it was a possibility that my hubby and him were involved- I just wanted to give my hubby the gist so in the car on the way home- we talked about the trip- he said - oh so and so ( new best friend) even upgraded my seat from Business to First Class both ways- so we could chat during the flight.... OK... I said "ah- he must really love you o anyway- I have gist for you but it's for indoors- cos I didn't want the driver to hear".

We get in - he plays with the kids and then says he's tired and wants to sleep- NOW- my hubby is REALLY REALLY into my body- or should i say 'was'. We were one of those people that could shag anywhere and anytime- it was like our bodies were trained to misbehave when we were around ourselves- our sex life was beyond awesome and I had a coil fitted cos I didn't want to be pregnant ALL the time!! Now he wants to sleep and I don't see that he's reaching out for me or mentally undressing me as he normally would- I had got my hair done and I was wearing something skimpy- as usual, so he wont have much to take off... I go into our bathroom and run a bath and ask him to come and relax with me and he says- "babes- I said I am tired"-alarm bells!!!!

I held off on the gist about Mr New Best Friend (NBF) and said "OK hon, I'll join you in bed in a bit"- did my routines and went to bed. Now My Body was trained to make love to my husband all the damn time and especially as he'd been away for a week- we knew we wanted some- so i thought- he must be tired but I'll let him be.. I'll get on top anyway etc etc.... I start trying to kiss my hubby and play with his sensitive nipples but he says to me again- Babes- I am really tired and need to get some sleep- let's do this tomorrow. In the history of our life together, even when I am sick or he is sick- (pregnancy or no pregnancy)- we always ALWAYS made love.. I didn't sleep that night... to be honest- 4 years on - I still don't sleep well!

The next day- he was out of bed and says he's meeting Mr NBF for brekkie to discuss the trip- I wondered aloud whether that wasn't why he had been upgraded to first class... later that afternoon, we had a brand new BMW X5 delivered- this was a car I had wanted since it came out- but with giving 3 children the best education, living conditions and holidays ever- we agreed that we won't change our cars every year as we used to besides we already had 4 cars between us and the kids- all high end luxury cars. I called Dele to ask why the car was here- he said he asked them to deliver it- that he told NBF how much I loved the car and NBF convinced him to buy it for me. I was deflated, all I wanted was for my hubby to sleep with me as we used to and believe me- when you had what we had sexually- you would miss it even before its gone!

I knew there was a problem because we didn't sleep together for 2 weeks after he returned if he didn't pick a fight, then he would be in Abuja for the night or come back home at 2 am and fall asleep on the sofa and just generally- became this cranky beast!!

I am very wary of Loooooong posts... so I think I will stop here for now- my chest even hurts as as I type.. will be back tomorrow with more....

Monday, 30 March 2009

Gold ≠ Glitter

It was such a pleasant surprise to receive my first email from an external source prompted from my last post. I don't know her name and will call her ' Lola'. She has even sent me follow up emails saying that she has not seen her post up- I coined up the title, because it sums up her story.... so here goes- I have not edited nor tampered with it. I hope you enjoy her story - it was a good read for me and it is purely for advisory purposes, I suppose....

Dear Mrs. No-Soul, I’m not sure how your blog works but a close friend of mine told me about you and suggested I could share my story with you and your readers.

I wouldn’t say I have any scandalous story per se, the reason why I am sharing my story is to warn young ladies that when choosing a husband they need to be aware that not all that glitters is gold and they shouldn’t let anyone pressure them into marrying certain type guys just because they appear to be husband material and come from families with popular names.

It all started when I was about twenty one and I had just graduated from university and about to start my second degree. I had tried two serious relationships while at university and I was disappointed by the immaturity of my peers so I was really keen to find an older mature guy. At a Christmas party in 2000 I went for my best friends’ Xmas party and at the party she kept winking at me and nudging me that a certain guy liked me. Being a curious girl I wanted the scoop and details of the guy and I discovered he was an investment banker, had a flat in a nice area of London and he invested heavily in property all over London.

I agreed to go on a date with this guy even though I didn’t fancy him, all I could think about was “I’m so lucky, this investment banker (IB) is interested in me, and I was already doing a mental calculation of his gross earnings and what he was likely to get as bonus”. You see at that time in England you were guaranteed a good life if you were dating the son of a prominent Nigerian, an investment banker or a razz olodu (credit card fraudster), I was happy that at least I got an investment banker, wouldn’t have minded the son of a prominent Nigerian, but I had to manage this one.

I found myself agreeing to date this guy after we went on a couple of dates though I couldn’t stand him and generally I hated the way saliva collected at the sides of his mouth. For our first valentines, he flew me to Barcelona, my friends were green with envy and I did not hesitate to tell them that we were flying business class and staying at a five star hotel.

That was the worst trip of my life, it was cold and it rained throughout even though the guy had told me that he had checked weather forecast. He irritated me from beginning of the trip to the end, but I had to pretend because I was a girl on a mission. At the end of the trip he fell in love, he claimed I was fun and I managed the bad weather and the disappointment well and he was very impressed with me. I was flabbergasted and really surprised because I thought I had blown my chances, I guess that confirmed that I was a top and first class actress. It was a very tough relationship, at a point I decided to end it, I was depressed and I was just tired of pretending to be in love just so that I could marry an investment banker. Anyways I ended it and went back to the olodu guy I was dating before investment banker guy came along, it was a crap relationship also but at least money was coming in.

One day in September I was with olodu guy watching CNN, and then I couldn’t understand what was going on, a plane had just flew into a tall building, later I realized that was events of 9/11 I had just watched live on TV. I felt sorry for the victims and prayed for them and I later went shopping with Olodu guy. Went back to school the next day and I think it was while I was watching eastenders that a got a phone call, imagine my disappointment when I realized it was investment banker guy calling, he was ranting about how he was in new York and as soon as the attack began all he could think about was me, I was really irritated but as usual I entertained his call because I could already see the headlines, “survivor of twin tower attack proposes to girlfriend” and the caption “I realized I was in love when I thought I would die”. You see I was leaving a superficial life and it was all about show, glitz and life on the fab lane, I had to have that sort of life no matter what even if I had to sacrifice my happiness. IB guy promised he would call me to talk properly once he was able to get out of New York; all American airports were shut to prevent further attacks.

To cut the long story short, IB guy came back, we began dating and I introduced him to my family, they were all impressed with him, who wouldn’t he was solid on paper. Anyways I began a serious relationship with IB Guy even though I loathed him; I even thought we would get married soon. I waited 6 solid years for this proposal, and it later emerged that IB guy was the most sting guy on the surface of the earth, and he had commitment issues, he was always giving one clever excuse or the other why he couldn’t propose yet. By this time we had both moved to Nigeria. Family and friends began to wonder why he hadn’t proposed, I fed them the same story he fed me, he was building a house in Victoria island and he wanted his wife to live in his own house and not in a rented apartment, my parents ate up the story, they all said I should stop complaining, that how many of my friends got married and moved to their own house.

After spending so long waiting for the proposal it felt like one of those projects that you just have to see through no matter what, I hated my boyfriend, in fact I hated his family, it turned out I even came from a better background than him, but I guess living in London and working in an investment bank had refined him. While waiting for his proposal to come I decided to entertain myself with other men, in fact I had about a dozen flings and two serious relationships all in Lagos. IB guy didn’t even notice, he was busy working and being stingy to notice.

We eventually got married after the 7th year, and did I mention that I had not had any type of intimacy with him three years preceding our wedding. I must have been mad to think I could settle down into married life with him.

After the wedding, my eyes opened, I knew I had set myself up big time, things did not change, all those that encouraged me to marry him questioned me and blamed me for not telling them that there was no intimacy between us, and why I never mentioned IB guy never gave me anything, that they assumed that he was the one providing all the good things I had. Even though I tried on many occasion to tell my mum and my sisters about the problem, they would always silence me and say I wasn’t ready to settle down and that I would regret it if I left him. Obviously I was afraid of being poor so I just held on to IB guy thinking at least I would live in a comfortable house both in Lagos and UK and prob several more countries.

My marriage only lasted one year, I could never bring myself to sleep with my husband, the few times I did I had to get drunk and my husband could not give money without reluctance and the way he abuses beggars still makes me cringe to date.

I know I have myself to blame and its so hard starting all over again because I still don’t know what to look for in a man, all I hear is settle down with a man that has prospects and can take care of you. We Nigerians are really shallow and I think we all marry for the wrong reasons. I am sending my story, not because I want any sympathy, but because I want young women to know that there is more to dating a man and marrying him than the size of his bank account and is ability to provide for them.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Anyone out there??

It's really nice to be on blogville, it is very lovely community and I love the anonymity of it all. I love the open-ess here and that I can bare my heart out.

I am very unhappy today, infact, I have been unhappy since the week began but only decided to pick myself up a bit- thing is, if I don't pick myself up when I fall to pieces- no one will.

I am sure you are curious to know what has happened in the last few days- my mother-in-law's shindig went very well, as usual, I kept up the whole happily married charade and entertained my friends who came along. Did my hubby bother to invite people to his own mother's birthday- not really... was he even there? not really? after the service, he popped out to a meeting with some foreign partner who came in the night before.... these are the sort of things that make me loathe him even more and more... he is so insensitive- TO ANYONE and ANYTHING, it's ridiculous.

I am unhappy because I just found out that a younger friend of mine- who got married 2 years ago has been going through the worst marital turmoil ever. I can't even talk about her story right now- it seems too surreal. I wish I had warned her- young girls just want to get married these days- like it is the solution to their problems- when you ask them to slow down, they look at you like- 'yeah, easy for you to say- Mrs perfectly married'. I have not stopped thinking about hers or my situation ever since.. and that's something I never do- usually I put a mental block to it!

I remember when I was dating my hubby- I made a phone call to an aunt that I am really close to and she'd been married for about 20 years- she said to me 'I know you are probably thinking about marriage and most people are pressuring you and asking you "when"- please my dear - think hard and think well, there is no hurry to this thing called marriage- it is not all it is cracked out to be'.... I should have listened, but I thought she just had a bad day- the things I know now!!

I remember when I was getting married- another aunt said to me and my friends - Be very clear about what you are getting into and most especially- WHY!! IF you're marrying for love, don't get there and start saying- he has no money! and IF you're marrying for money, don't get there and start saying he doesn't show you love! I didn't marry for money - but where's the love???

Listen, I have put up my email address- If you have a story to share, or you need advice and would like me to post it as a blog- email me....

I am in the dumps today and I really can't share right now- I will share as soon as I feel better.. I am just a bit of a mess today and I'm sorry you had to read it so early on... I just needed a listening ear- even though I am just rambling.

signing out for today.....

Friday, 20 March 2009

Tanya's Story

Thanks for the comments and the welcome, people. I feel highly honoured.

Today has been one of those days- I have been up all morning, calling the tailors to deliver mine and the kids' outfits for mom in laws party tomorrow. Hubby's mom still does his and his siblings- oh well, saves me the trouble!! Also getting ready for the 'gele' (head-tie) girl to come and tie the gele which I will then place on my head perfectly tomorrow. She can't come to the house tomorrow because hubby is quite cranky and can erupt anytime and I can't risk any gossip starting all because I want to wear a nice headtie.

More about me later- today is meant to be about Tanya. She's in her mid 30s and has been married 8 years with a set of 6+ year old twin boys. Its been rocky on and off but no one really knew the details, word had it she'd moved out a couple of times. Until she came to see me- this is her story......I have written it in the 1st person for easy reading....

"I always knew my husband was a womaniser but I was so relieved when he married me amongst the many girlfriends he had at the time. The day he proposed to me was the best day of my life and today, I don't know if I can still call it that.The signs first started after about 1 year of our marriage, when I was about 4 months pregnant- the first trimester had been hellish and being my first pregnancy, I was scared of everything including my own shadow!

I had morning, afternoon and night sickness and the last thing I wanted was to sleep with my hubby and I thought he would understand and all. Anyway, I'm 4 months gone and he comes in one evening from work all sweet and patronising- maybe I just have a suspicious mind, I thought. He made me a hot chocolate and took me to our bedroom and waited till I was asleep. You know when pregnant, u pee a lot especially if the baby is on your bladder (as my twins were). I needed the loo and woke up about 20 mins after I had drifted off into sleep and noticed he wasn't there and thought- he must be watching the late news or something and left it. I got up a few more times that night and to be honest, after a while concluded he was being nice cos he'd snuck out to hang with the boys! No big deal, I thoughtA few weeks later, things got worse cos the househelp my mom had brought from calabar left without notice. So I was cooking, cleaning etc. My hubby was really supportive though and immediately pressured his mom and about a week later we got another girl from Benue. After about 2 months, I had to go to Chicago to have my babies- hubby said I had to go early because it was twins and I was not coping well here. So I left. He came once a month and when the babies came he came for 2 wks and came with the nanny (I requested for help). This benue girl that could barely speak english when I left- was such a nuisance now. And bringing her to america I think made it even worse. I kept my cool. When we returned home- I burnt her passport and sent her packing.

Luckily, we had got 2 nannies ready for each twin waiting for our return. As soon as we arrived, my mom sent them over and I was trying to bond with my hubby and the twins too.To cut a long story short, when the twins were about 4 months old, I noticed one day that the girls were not talking to one another! And won't say why but it was evident that these girls who were so close like sisters, now couldn't stand one another. At first my friends said jokingly that maybe they were fighting over the cook or the driver or security guard. So one day, I asked them- they won't say anything!! Until I came back early one afternoon from a friend's dad's funeral and walked in on a big fight, they were tearing at each other's clothes in the middle of the day and I thought I mis-heard 'leave my oga for me' or rather I thought they were fighting over me. The minute they saw me, they stopped and I called them back and asked, they kept quiet- I called the police and it turns out that they had both been sleeping with my husband and were now both jealous because they both loved him.

Then the neighbour's help told her madam that the 2 previous girls- benue and calabar had also done and as a matter of fact, so good was my husband that she and a few other girls in our apartment block had been there, done that. My husband? My husband? The father of my twins? I cried and cried and decided from that day never to sleep with him again. I told his parents- they begged me to keep mum. My mom and dad also said its a scandal and to keep mum to protect my home and our names!!

The reason I am here to see you Mrs NoSoul, is because I am done and want a divorce. I haven't slept with him since the twins were 4 months old. Now they're over 6 years old. I have had affairs with 2 men in the whole time and I don't want to sin anymore. My parents know you and respect you, your marriage and our friendship. I want you to be there when I say I want out!!!"
I was shell shocked at Tanya's story and I still am!! But I told her not to give up yet, to hang in there, for the kids! For the security behind being a Mrs Somebody! What do you think? She has no idea about my life and I can't be as open with her as she has been with me. I feel really bad but I want your views.

Should she stay?

Thursday, 19 March 2009

My First Post!

Dear Blogville,

I have to say, I have been a blog reader for over 3 years now and although I really enjoyed reading blogs, I never saw myself as a blogger. I had no idea how to go about it, I have soo much to say and having recently become a "pseudo- agony aunt" to many many young and middle -aged married ladies... I find myself wondering if REALLY I've got the answer to it all!

I'll tell you this- I have the perfect marriage - at least that's how it looks on the outside- if only it was not so rotten on the inside.... its dead, decayed and appalling but in the spirit of keeping up appearances- not many people can tell. I am a master of my game. This is why many people come to me- saying they wish they had my life, my marriage and want my advice..
They think my hubby and I are soo romantic, oh just last valentine's day- they gushed in awe because we were going to Paris for the weekend- little did they know- my hubby spent the weekend in London and I in Madrid- we flew out together and flew back together- only separating and meeting at London heathrow... no questions asked, no comments made. we were back... from a lovely romantic weekend and as usual, I just smiled and smiled at all the 'You're so lucky' comments.....hmmmmm!!

How did things get this bad? How did we get here? How do you explain after being married for 10 years having dating for 2.5years prior to marriage that things are non existent? How do you tell people that it is all a lie? All they see is the posh area of town you live in, the nice cars you drive, the pictures of you and hubby, the beautiful kids and the in laws... I love my children but one thing is for sure..... I never should have gotten married! How can my life be so bland at 35??I resent marriage and stay with me, I'll tell you why soon.

My next post will be about 'Tanya' (not her real name) who came last week with her issues and seeking advice..maybe you can help too!! Being an agony aunt (who is in 'secret' agony herself) ain't easy!!

And that's my entrance to blogville.. See you soon!!