I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Still Opening Up

my last post was the hardest thing I have done in a loong while- it is the first time I have actually acknowledged the fact or entertained the thought of even seeking to discuss it with another human being.

Anyway, so after my X5- things just got progressively 'worse'- if any of the kids sneezed, they had to go to England to see a doctor- if I had a headache- the same thing- we were just on another level of reality and when I questioned my hubby- he said to me that his business had picked up and that he wanted to give his family the best- I told him we only needed to see him more and that since he met his NBF - things were a bit weird. We were still intimate- but it sort of seemed like he wasn't really enjoying himself anymore- and after a while- I also started to make my excuses. One day- I told him that there was something I needed to discuss with him-

Me: Hon, do you think there's something amiss between us? Your NBF seems to have taken my place in your heart- something that none of the kids could achieve.....

Him: and what's that supposed to mean?

Me: well, you go off on business trips and strangely haven't invited me to go on any- in the past- when you had to travel for such trips- you would ask me to join you at east at the weekend? Have I done something wrong? have I put some weight on (which I knew I hadn't) or are we at the place where yo just don't find me sexy anymore?

Him: listen, I haven't got the time for this trivial conversation- do I not provide for you and our family? am i failing in my responsibilities? when you should be praising me- you're saying I don't find you sexy... why don't you find someone that will make you feel sexy - if I am falling short?

Me ( getting really pissed off btw): ah ah; find someone- can't believe you would even suggest that- I wonder what's going on that you won't say... or should we get a divorce?

Him: I really don't have time for this..

Me: well, maybe you should - cos I am sick to death of feeling like I am losing my husband to a man who everyone says / knows is gay.....

Him: WHAT? did you just say?

Me: well, maybe you should- cos I'm .... he cuts in-

Him: I heard you loud and clear the first time and you are even about to repeat it..

Him to Me- an earth shattering SLAP!!

Him: Don't you EVER say that to me about NBF!! and storms out...

So, I stay slapped for a while till the stars cleared- I am light- skinned- so my cheek was really sore and I dare say I could still see his prints on my face.

That weekend- one busy body friend of mine came round to see me- Where's Dele? she asked- he's out, I said.. She continued- 'I hope he's not with NBF o- their relationship is very disturbing- don't you find it disturbing? , I mean the guy is a legendary gay person - everyone knows and we all know his closeness with so and so, a prominent Northern Nigerian - has been proven to be sexual.. I hear Dele now goes to Abuja all the time and whenever he meets his old friends- he just goes on and on about NBF and this so and so man! I am quite worried for you. My Husband even said the other day that a friend of a friend saw Dele and NBF shopping for expensive watches at Harrods and it looked a bit too cosy. Does he have a new watch? and everyday, we hear about men doing really strange things in Abuja for contracts and stuff...

She went on and on and on and on.... when she finished or paused for air? I told her I needed to go out and basically ushered her out nicely. I cried my eyes out cos she truly had described my new husband- who couldn't stop talking about NBF and Mallam so and so.

At that point- I had to ask myself- was she insinuating that my hubby is now gay? because I had not even thought about it as a possibility... I was just concerned for his reputation and had not even given rise to such a damaging thought.

So, I started to watch very closely- I had already been slapped, which was out of character for Dele and quite honestly- was not ready to get beaten on top of it all. He came back quite contrite after slapping me- said that NBF mad him see sense- that I was bound to hear rumours and had a right to be concerned and he shouldn't have slapped me and he apologises etc etc and hugs me.. I just begged him never to hit me again because I would leave and take my kids with me. He went tense and then he said - I won't... and went off to the den to watch TV which was on till I fell asleep.

In the midst of all this- my hubby sacked his driver of 5 years- when I asked why-he just mumbled an excuse and that was it.

So I arranged a meeting with the ex-driver (without his knowledge)- when I asked what had happened- after a looong silence and a promise of 100k in cash- he said to me that - On the day he got fired, like always- he took my hubby to Oga NBF's 'house' after work- and that day- my hubby had left his phone in the car and it kept ringing- so he figured it might be important and decided to take it in.. he says he walked into the house ( which by now, had been established to be a guest house and not NBF's marital home ) - and didn't see anyone in the living room and went on upstairs and was stopped in his tracks by some moans and groans... and decided to go back.. Now, he says that he assumed the guys had been meeting some women and on the way home- he apologised to my hubby that he shouldn't have come in and that madam (me) would never hear about it- the poor guy should have shut up cos apparently hubby called NBF and said - the driver says he came in ..blah blah blah and the conversation ended with OK BUT when they got home- my hubby relieved the guy of his job and gave him a cheque for 250K.

I gave the guy his money and went home... I didn't mention the meeting with the driver to my hubby- I just told him that I hear that he and NBF go to guest houses with women.... he said I must be joking and that - hand on heart, he and NBF have had to go to some private office- to do some private conference /video calls....hmmmmmm!!! He swore that they don't and have never met any women anywhere - that they are very into their work etc etc... so what do you think my driver heard??? the conference call?? or my man and NBF doing the nasty??!!

Things started falling apart- I mentally dropped out of the marriage and just sit there because I love him with all my heart but I really just wish I wasn't married to him. He is really into keeping up appearances and has said I must never leave otherwise I won't see my children. He senses that I know or suspect something and have tuned off... Now, 4 years on, we just plan our tactics to keep people thinking that we are really into each other.. and we are damn perfect at it, if I may say so myself :-)

tell you more later....


  1. wow, i am seriously trying to understand why people put up a front in marriage when it's gone down the drain. Life is too short to live unhappily ever after.

    Besides she is putting herself at risk to whatever STD this guy might bring back to her.

  2. @ Jayla- i understand how you must find this really hard to understand- sometimes, I think I am just used to being there- to having a hubby... also because I know of all kinds of marital issues that people have that somehow- i have decided that this is my cross to bear.. as for STDs, the times when we do sleep together, I ensure he wears a condom on the premise that we cannot afford for me to get pregnant and he seems fine with it.. I love him but at the end of the day- I love myself more..

  3. gosh..I can just imagine how immensely difficult this must be for you..

    I really hope talking about it is making you feel somewhat better?

    I'll put you in my prayers..

  4. I offer hugs.

    I could not stay in a situation like this. I would've been long gone.

    This is not a cross you should or have to bear. Take care of yourself. I wish you great, great, happiness.

  5. This is soo sad, I feel your pain!!
    I wish it wasn't true but the evidence is daunting.
    So what are you going to do, you cant continue living like this..
    It might seem unimaginable to leave but that is what I would do if I were in your shoes. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.
    But really, what do I know.. I'm young and unmarried.

  6. @ ButterCup-thank you so much- talking about it does make me feel better- so much has happened in this marriage and I guess being a blogger wil help me ease the pain somewhat.

    @SexKitten- Thanks again for the hugs ...I know, I know- I need strength...

    @ Sleek- there's more kind of evidence..that's sprung up over the years- but they are things that can be seen as innocent as well..by an unsuspecting person..
    If i can give any advice- take your time before decide to take the plunge (and it is a plunge).. it's not hard to get out!

  7. (((Hugs)))

    wow...this is really sad...and I kinda feel your pain on not being able to share with anyone else...It is well...

    How long does this really have to go on? It is clear that this whole charade is killing you very slowly...You can't keep this up for too long mehn...you need to stay alive...for yourself and for your kids they need you ma'am

  8. Wow, this is very sad. Stay strong and i pray Lord gives you strength. I cannot tell you what to do because you wear the shoes and only you know where it itches. I would say go with your head on this one.

  9. @ Chari - thanks a lot, I love ((hugs))... it truly is eating me up and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.. the first step I've taken is starting a blog and I find it quite therapeutic... who knows what and when my next step will be?
    @ Nice Anon- I pray for strength daily and i try to keep my energy levels up- go to the gym- eat healthy - just do as much as i can to block things out of my mind. It's a real struggle and I hope that I get some release soon enough.

  10. Not good at all may God help you deal with this terrible situation and come out on top. This is so not fair on you and my heart goes out to you for sharing. Pray to God for an exit strategy as this is not what his intentions for marriage are.
    If the case goes to court for the kids I am sure you'd win bearing in mind the situation you're in. Is there any chance things can be the way they were? Honestly I doubt it. Even if he does change forgiveness is hard enough but trust is harder. I don't believe in staying if both parties don't agree to make it work. Your makes my situation look like child's play. God Bless you. Seek His face and comfort first, or at least seek counsel

  11. After reading this I really feel you should just leave him and move on...Dont waste the rest of ur life...

    You deserve to be loved and to love...

  12. o waow my heart goes out to you darling! I'm never one to encourage divorce or ending a marriage but i think living this kinda life is not healthy for u emotionally and most especially for the children. Children arent silly- they will pick up on things and will eventually hear these rumors else where.

    I think u ought to address this issue. The kids are more important than you being used to being married. Him being gay will not stop him from loving the kids. I dont know him but he sounds like a good father and a good provider- so even if you were to go ur seperate ways- he will take good care of his kids.

  13. woaw...now this is sad and I second Afro's and Tigeresses sentiments...I know its easier said than done to say walk away but for your happiness and those of the kids I think you should leave...
    I will pray for you hon xoxo

  14. Its hard enough to walk out on a relationship regardless of a marriage with years and kids invested in it.

    I wont even tell you to leave him , cos that would be hypocritical on my part, i dont know if i had been in ur shoes if i would have the strength to.

    First thing il tell you to do is to stack up!!!
    I dont know if he is the kinda husband that gives you money or if u have a joint account but i would advice you to open one on ur own, and basically prepare urself so in case shit hits the fan ur covered.

    Buy your own property in a town away from him secretly, stack up on stocks open a business, anything but just prepare yourself.

  15. @ Dabizniz- thanks for stopping by- I am seeking Counsel- daily....
    @ Afrobabe and Tigress- working on it!! I don't know what to do yet- but will do something!!
    @ Phoenix- I agree re stacking up- I started that 2 years ago and have done it actively until now. whats weird is when we got married- he bought our first home in my name because he said it was mie to build as our home! and luckily, I have my own investments too!! thanks babe

  16. Mrs No Soul

    I would suggest you begin a fact finding mission. As in probably hire a private investigator to get you some "Hard Evidence" that your husby and NBF are truely into something.


    If your husband ever decided to play nasty you must have proof.

    Get your finances straightened out begin to save more than before.

    I suppose I should have said prayer first but it sounds too cliche...if your truly love your husband now is the time to pray some HOLY GHOST FIRE prayers as in the DIE BY FIRE TYPE.

    Meanwhile still do all of the above as practical steps it may get Ugly before it gets better.