I should never have got married. Now I have no Soul!

Monday, 13 April 2009

So We went off on a family Holiday.......

Happy Easter Folks- sorry for the break in transmission- I was out of the country and I am sure you know that travelling with kids is simply not the easiest feat. There’s so much to say- I am really knackered though, but I will try my best.
It started in December when the kids wrote Santa a letter saying that they wanted to go to Disneyland in Paris for Christmas, but we didn’t go because we knew it would be too cold, went to Dubai instead and promised that we would go over their Easter holiday because the summer is full with summer school and football camp respectively (we really keep them occupied during holidays)!
So, considering it was all previously discussed and agreed, I made travel arrangement for the kids and I- hubby usually handles his thru his office or PA- whatever!!!, I gave him our dates. The first thing that ticked me off was his response- do I really have to go?- business just started to pick up after a bad start to the year and I don’t mind funding the trip et al- but to actually get up and go...... I chose not to react and instead, simply shrugged and said- “whatever floats your boat dear- you must know I don’t mind either way- the only thing is, pls don’t leave it to me to break it to your children that you cannot make it- do it yourself and don’t wait till last minute. In the meantime, let’s discuss how to begin transfers to my UK account”.
The trip was meant to be a total of 10 days- to see docs etc in London for first few days- go off to Disneyland and Bordeaux and back. I decided not to take any nanny cos I heard the visa application process to get schenghen visas have changed and since none of us need visas- I couldn’t be bothered to go through that for a 10 day trip and I don’t even think the French give domestic visas.

Anyhow, Oga said to kids that he will join only from the Thursday before Easter and stay for the long weekend. So there we are, having a great time when he calls and says he is coming with NBF because he’s been ill and needs a break. I said no worries and asked if I should book an extra room for the guy- he asked me to book 2 extra rooms, that he doesn’t think there’s any need for us to pretend in Paris and thus no need to share a room and quipped that he is sure I have some new toys to try out anyway. So I said, good- at least our son can share with you and you can both bond man to man. He said “pls don’t change the arrangement from what it presently is- can a man not want some peace and quiet??”
Why the hell was he bothering to come?
Next, NBF’s wife called me- now, she’s much older than I am so we don’t really have a relationship, apart from greetings and attending each other’s functions with the hubbies. She asked me if I am aware that NBF is coming with Dele to Paris and wanted to know if it was an inconvenience. I said- not really and she told me that it is not easy being married to men like them. I said- ah, men like what, ma? My hubby is just a loyal friend, she said, he should be a loyal husband first. I asked her why she didn’t simply accompany her hubby and she replied that she has a business to run and it is a busy time- besides, it would be a waste of time. She said I should come and visit her when I return, and that surely, I must have wondered why the hubbies have not encouraged us to be close. Truth is, I had wondered, cos my hubby respects her a lot but has never said to me- you should visit Mrs NBF and he usually makes sure I am close to his friend’s wives and serious girlfriends etc. But I had put it to the age factor, but I guess NBF is similarly older than him, so really- there was no case!! Anyway, I will not go and see her because they have been married for almost 20 years and I don’t want to be taught how to sit tight in all the shit that’s going on!!
When they arrived ( Dele and Uncle NBF in tow), even my children were upset because they didn’t ask Santa for a holiday with 2 daddies and 1 mummy. It was so awkward and I ensured that we were only together at meal times. To avoid being disturbed, Dele left his Visa Card with me, told me the pin code etc and I decided to use only his card for the rest of the trip, buying all manners of unnecessary things. It didn’t help much though, I cannot describe how I felt majority of the time but during a massage treatment, I ended up crying nonstop for 90 minutes- the lady thought she had hurt me. I can’t even explain what triggered it, but I wept and wept and shook and trembled- I think it was anger, more than anything to be honest- I have always been one of those people who get angry to the point of tears. I had planned to do some detective work but honestly, I couldn’t be bothered after a while, so I left it at goodnight every night after dinner.
As we got ready to leave this morning- they announced that they’d fixed a meeting in Germany for Tuesday and Wednesday. Good riddance to bad rubbish. And we came home!!!
I need to understand what exactly is going on? I don’t know how to ask him- I don’t want to be slapped or beaten AND he often says things like- you are blinded by your assumptions etc etc!! I don’t want my children to start asking me why their father has only one male best friend now and why their Godfathers- who are all friends he has had since he was 5 years old have stopped visiting and hanging with their dad or why he never plays footie on Sundays any more with his mates. On top of it all- I have to act like its all hunky dory and it’s everyone else who’s crazy, as far as everyone knows – we went on a fab family holiday! My mind is constantly working overtime wondering what the next step to take is.
Oh and by the way, remember Tanya- from a few posts ago, turns out she made up her mind to leave after coming to see me last month- went home, cooked a meal and iced some bottles of his champagne – she wanted to tell him in a very relaxed mood and at home while the boys were asleep. Anyway, she called me tonight to say that they kept drinking after eating and she didn’t want to spoil the mood as she wanted to leave very amicably and peacefully. She ended up sleeping with him for the first time in over 6 years and now has a missed period... ain’t life a bitch?!


  1. FIrst!!! Ok now im off to read, missed you!!! Glad ur back.

  2. Glad you had a good trip. I wonder how long you can carry on with the pretense.

  3. Glad you're back!! You really make me wonder about marriage and all.....

  4. Oh wow, life is a bitch on wheels, im so sorry for your friends situation.
    I hope things work out for her.

    I think maybe you should pay NBFs wife a visit, but be sure u can handle wat she is bound to tell you.

    Im such a ditz, i was confused didnt realise the NBF story was about you.
    I mixed it up btween urs and tanyas (i know im silly like that) Im off to do some catch up reading on ur old posts.

  5. Hope ur disney vacation with the kids was fun at least. pls pls do go and see Mrs.NBF. If ur husband is truely gay- u do have to confront it or maybe turn a blind eye to it?

  6. It's not healthy at all sooner or later it will come out in public and people will question why you put up with it.

    If you were my sister I'd advice you to file for divorce. There's no way he's be able to save face in a society like ours. Hopefully you'd keep custody too.

    You can't continue... He is too deep into it to turn around

  7. I agree wiv phoenix n tigress

    go see Mrs NBF...u neva know..

  8. Ok that was me speaking but...Only you'd know if your faith is enough to wait on God. There is a lot of prayer, fasting and deliverance needed here. If you still love your husband and intend to have him back then you and everyone need to fervently pray. I will pray for you too. It is not a lost cause but you need to decide the route you wish to take and not just sit idly by

  9. Proverbs is powerful o.. Too much honey makes you vomit

    Too much money, flashy life style, material things are all distractions. The truth is it all started with money. If the guy was not bent on getting his money back, he won't be in this mess.. He got into a cult and as part of it was fed a demon. I tell people that this thing is demonic, they say I'm lying that its a way of life.. I've said deliverance with a broken spirit can cure it.

    So with all the money and life style, its nothing without love. I'm always happy to give my money way.. And I'm always thankful for humbling moments.. When the man was humbled, he had a choice.. a choice to turn to God, probably if the wife was in touch with God or was saved she would have cautioned her husband directed him to God instead of seeking vengeance...

    She is going through her humbling times now.. and she has an opportunity to turn to God.. She has a choice. I hope she sees the choice and quit trying to keep up with the worldly lifestyle. She has a chance.

  10. oh damn..

    I don't even know what advice to give that won't cloud ur judgement..

    I think what u need now is just comfort of some sort..

    I know they don't count for nada but I'm sending hugs ur way..and I'm still praying for u..

  11. You know what they say… misery loves company….
    I wonder how that will go….

    Ask God for help.

  12. And “Marriage is not OVERRATED”
    I’m a good man and my wife didn’t go lesbian on me. :-)

  13. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa i dont know what to say or even how to say it.....My Goodness! well im too young to judge in this situation so ill only say "May God see you through and i wish u the best! take care

  14. @ Phoenix- well done for being first!! and I don't think you're ditzy- maybe it just wasn't clear enough to start with! I am still undecided abt Mrs NBF!

    @ Nice Anon- thank you

    @Shonavixen- it is worth wondering about- I can tell you that my case may be peculiar but everyone has one issue or the other to contend with- but people grin and bear it and leave you thinking its great- I should know.

    @ Tigress- not sure yet if I will go to see her. I feel like I need to confront him first.

    @ Dabizniz- thanks for differentiating your comments, I do appreciate your advice and I am always thinking about this...can't afford to sit idly.

    @ Qube- I am still undecided, will let you all know IF i decide to go.

    @ Pinklips- :-)

    @ Anon - you sound like a Christian and surely, must have heard - judge not, that ye may not be judged! Concluding that the wife isn't saved and that led to him seeking vengeance is outlandish- but I can understand, its a Nigerian way of thinking and excusing everything with being saved or not- I also choose not to defend that point as I am not here to be judged or to face a jury. This is not about keeping up with a flashy lifestyle because both hubby and wife were born into wealth and did not just discover it.anyway, 'nuff said- let me end with , thank you for your comment.

    @ Buttercup- Hugs ALWAYS count.. thank you mwah

    @ Still thinking - I am glad you have a good and perfect wife / marriage. Thank goodness for the freedom of opinion. Tell me, is marriage the best thing that has happened to you- if YES, then GREAT! if NO, then it is OVERRATED because, it is not the BE ALL and END ALL as it is cut out to be and people will actually take their time and not rush into it or get into it for the wrong reasons. Anyway, To each their own!

    @ Emotional Chik- thanks for your comment, you may be young, but you sure are wise.

  15. My apologies if my opinion troubled you so much. You are right, as a christian we should not judge and I did not mean to judge you. If you are a christian as well I'm sure you know in the book of proverbs that an open wound is better than hidden love. I wish you the best. - Anonymous

  16. So you married your man for the wrong reasons then?
    Just wondering cos from the little i've read you found out your man IS in fact Gay after 2 years of MArriage??? please explain how " the wrong reasons" applies to you?
    Not looking to start any tread tiff, just passing by and will be back... ( just as soon as you're done PMSing....)

  17. Aww hell no Still thinking!!!
    That was completly out of line.
    Talking about coming back as soon as she is done pmsing??

    WTF gives you the right to say sumin like that?
    I completly understand her point of view.
    Marriage IS overrated .
    Yours is supposedly going well fine, im happy for you.

    But Nigerians put so much importance to this marriage thing it warps d mind of the youngsters.
    You have to be married at a certain age , you have to find a man rich enuf to take care of ur family, you have to have kids, not only kids but male sons instead of you have to find true love, you have to make sure you are ready, you have to be mature enough to realise its not all a bed of roses .
    Instead this facade is created and fed to us.

    Society puts a demand on us that has us racing for the altar even though we are not ready, just so we can fit in and not be made an example out of.

    I remember Mrs no soul sayin in her earlier post she didnt marry for money but for love.

    Im going to step back now cos i see im getting too heated but I think u need to review ur last statment....,it is liable to get ur ass cussed out!!

  18. Hi my dear, I read your post. One thing I have learnt from being married is it takes two. If your husband has decided (and it seems so) to bail out on you then get what you can out of the relationship. The perfect union is hard to find. Keep your options open, mr. right may be out there. If not, enjoy the trips, pamper yourself, play the role let the kids grow and perhaps remain mrs. so and so for the rest of your life. It happens all the time, happened to me or rather is currently happening to me. Fortunately i found someone who i can have a great relationship with he is also married but we soothe each other. I will remain married for the benefit of being mrs so and so and for the sake of the kids. I focus on myself and the kids and stay happy. Hang in there we are all in the same boat!

  19. @ Anonymous 1 (April 15)- Thanks for offering your apologies, I accept them in good faith.

    @ Phoenix- Thank you for your response to 'Still Thinking'. I pride myself on having good manners and find it hard to be unnecessarily rude- which is why I didn't understand or see the need for his post and will simply ignore it even though it does call for some hrsh talk. All I know is, I didn't come to blogville for grief! Thanks anyway babes x

    @ Anonymous 2 (April 17)- seems like you're the first married woman to comment here, apart from a fellow blogger who was bold enough to leave he rmarriage.
    I am glad that you agree about the complexity of life / marriage and even though I don't know you- you have just joined a long list of married people that I know in all kinds of situations and which led to this blog. About your affair with a married man- I guess it's an arrangement that you can handle and I know a couple of people in the same kind of arrangement. I often wonder if I could do it- but I already have such a hard time covering up my marriage situation which makes it unthinkable for me to add another layer of secrets and complications. Thanks for the reassurance dear..

  20. Hi Darl (its me again anon 2 (I guess 3 now).
    Its a process I think - I went through 5 years of pretending - it was so stressful - I figured he was getting the best of both worlds. So now I call it what it is. We both sat down and agreed that we would stay together for the kids, I gave him my financial stipulations and life went on. On some level I think he knows I cheat but would rather look the other way. I am a beautiful, great figure, sensual 34 year old. There is no way I am going to remain celibate while he gets his groove on with other men. However, that was a choice I made a rather painful hard journey for me. I am very discreet I dont flaunt it in his face neither does he of his indiscretions. We share separate rooms as well - the kids know that we are committed to each other when it comes to their lives. And I figured so long as my kids are happy - I can find my happiness elsewhere.
    I truly feel your pain, I understand too that part of your blog is to find some solace in your marriage (it gets preety darn lonely huh). I pray that you get the intimacy you deserve at some point. And I'm certain you will. Just hang in there - this whole thing is a process, just make sure you keep using those condoms when you sleep with him (A girlfriend of mine slipped up with her husband who was also on the down low and unfortunately caught HIV - yes she is still putting on a show but she has me to talk to).
    This phenomenon is not a new one - because of our culture a lot of men who may be bi or gay find it very difficult to come out of the closet.


  21. Hey Anon 2/3- WOW!! I can't believe that you actually mean we are in the SAME situation....thot you meant same boat- i.e bad marriage. Are there really many people in these shoes? my goodness, I didn't realise that more young people were faced with this, you know. I am not sure my hubby will notice if I cheat, and if he does notice- will probably just warn me to be discreet and not disgrace him! It does get really lonely especially as I have no one to talk to in real life. Re condoms, OMG, I sure will! It is really far and few in between now anyway. I am thinking maybe you need to share your story re - how you found out etc... if you want to - that is... This is after all, a medium to reach out to ladies out there - that there's so much going on beneath the happily married facade that they see and envy. I envy the people that envy me- I have a 30 year old cousin- she and her Best Friend really want to get married and talk about it non stop and I try to warn them to just be careful but they keep saying, MNS, we would just love to have your kind of marriage... be careful what you wish for!!

    hugs right back x

  22. @ shhhh etc, - Thank you for sympathising but I am not looking for sympathy. Secondly, there is nowhere in this blog (and maybe you should read previous posts) that makes mention of either homo or hetero sexuality as THE cause for problems in marriages. The theme is about the general issues in marriage- be it, marrying for money or anything else that really goes with it as well as the futility of it all. I would advise that you fully grasp the context of things before making such comments.

  23. From my point of view, everyone does not have to agree with u. at least let people speak i have not seen anything here that should warrant insults or attaches. That is my own cup of tea.

  24. James, its not about agreeing with her, it's about being respectful while at it.

    Sometimes, the way Nigerians go off online is unbelievable, how can someone feel comfortable leaving such comments (regardless of their stance on the matter)? Or maybe it's how I've been raised...

  25. Phoenix u r spot on with ur response to still standing.

    MNS i think it might not b such a bad idea to hear wat mrs nbf has to say... might b the straw dat would break d camel's back.

    I know you are thinking of whats best for the kids but think of wat it might do to them when they grow up. My mum stayed in her marriage cos of me and i feel so guilty that she gave up her chance to be happy cos of me. It's totally altered my views on relationships & marriage.

    @ anon 2/3 it would be kool if you share your story via mns.......plsssssssssssssss

  26. I hear you about sharing my story - but I think in some way I have reached closure. I dont want to open the wounds again, I am at a place where i am pseudo-comfortable, I do not want to relive everything that I have been through. Nor do I want to hear nasty comments from anyone. This phenomenon of men being bi or even gay and getting married is not new, I am going through it and I'm sure many people will go through it. It has taken me 6 years to get here - to a place of semi-zen.. so please let me be. I appreciate your appeals but I guess that chapter is now closed for me I want to move forward now.

    Thanks though hon,

  27. Thanks to Anon - April 23 @ 7.58- I think you definitely hit the nail on the head.

    @ Jayla- thank you. I am 60% skewed to going to see her- I just keep getting tongue tied when I try to ring her to say I'll be coming :-)

    @ Anon , April 24 @6.32- I totally understand and will not want your wounds reopened at all! I cannot imagine getting thru this- somehow and then having to relive it!! I guess all I can hope for is to be able to reach that semi-zen asap!! Big Hugs xxx

  28. Hon,
    You will get through it trust me you will. When I read your blog I see so much of myself in your posts - you are well on your road to semi-zenness. You are telling your story. Fortunately for me we moved from "Africa" to Denmark - I made sure I did not get in touch with people from 'home' - and I was open about my situation to my new friends - thats when I heard their stories. So you are on your way - when you start to share your pain you are in a way letting go of the hurt. You are still angry and sad - then you will get to forgiveness and peace, you will start to see his 'nice' qualities despite the wahala he has put you through. You will accept his lifestyle and even discuss it with him and joke about it. You WILL get there - trust me.
    Like I said earlier, I have a male lover, he has his indescretions and we are both committed to raising beautiful children. It works, now would I have preferred it any other way perhaps so but I have learned so much about myself and the world around me.
    I think what hurts for me is that now we are such good friends I wish we were lovers too - but nothing is perfect in this world.

  29. I'm making this comment with a very heavy heart.. Obviously I don't know you, but in reading your blog I think to myself that you could very well be my elder sister. I have three of them 2 are married and 1 engaged. It will break my heart to see them go through what you are going through, just as it breaks my heart to read this.
    I'm pleading with you with all the sincerity I can muster, you don't deserve this. Consider leaving this marriage. There so much good in this world and you limit yourself by trying to keep up appearances for the world that is totally undeserving of same. Take a look at some of the comments above and you will see that its no use trying to make others to feel better by inconveniencing yourself... they will judge you regardless.
    You are smart, young and beautiful... you will find another man who will treat you like the gem that you are, trust me. And your children will learn, that this world is not disneyland... has never been, will never be.

  30. I'm glad you're back. Geez lady, I don't know how you do it. I would have DEMANDED answers long ago. He would have a hellcat on his hands like he's never known.

    I think you know what's going on. And you're an intelligent woman. Are you happy? Do you want to be happy? Do you DESERVE to be happy?

    I wish you nothing but happiness.

  31. @ Sleekiest- Thank You so much- I completely agree with you- I think I am mostly scared and as I find out daily that there are people who are coping just fine in similar situations- I wonder why I shouldn't be able to- all marriages (at least that I am aware of) have their own issues and although mine is quite off the cuff - I just think to myself that at least I am not getting beaten etc. I want to shield the kids but honestly like you rightly said - this world isn't a fairytale and I was brought up in a fairytale world and reality has really dealt with me. a part of me wants them to grow up prepared for all kinds of challenges that life may throw... but I don't want to strip them of their innocence either. I was going to stop blogging but will continue because although there are those people who just make irrelevant comments- the constructive ones like yours and many more above kind of strengthen me.

    @ SexKitten- How's Kenny :-)? I think I do know what's going on... although I need to confirm point blank- I deserve to be happy and my children I believe make me happy- as you know I am confused- I am scared and confused- that's the bottom line, no matter how confident I come across- sometimes I think I drove him to it- I don't know how- maybe I am just a crap wife! Thanks for your good wishes x

  32. Mrs-no-soul...

    Honey, you didn't drive him to do anything. It doesn't work that way. And I'm sure you're not a crap wife. Don't start blaming yourself.

    It's amazing that there are others out there in similiar situation.

    As for your questions: Kenny is happy :-) And my youngest son is 7.


  33. You are not a crap wife - neither am I.
    Do not start getting low self esteem due to the decisions other people make.
    You are scared because your marriage defines you. I understand. You are also thinking about the kids and how you want them to grow up. Its easier to be Mrs. so and so than Divorcee so and so especially in Africa.

    I'm the Anon in a similar situ


  34. You are definitely not a crap wife or anything like that...wow...you put on a brave face eh...but I can only imagine the pain of it all. My dear, I can't even offer advice because the truth it, if I were in your shoes, I would have no idea how to walk in them, the heels on my own self, sometimes they hurt...

    My heart goes out to you truly. However there is still beauty here. I can't advise you to carry on with appearances and then have affairs, because it goes against all that I truly believe...marriage is for now, heaven is for eternity, but I know you must be lonely and feeling rejected and such and because of that you must guard your heart and your mind from negative thoughts about yourself because they will come.

    I only know this to be true...you have been created for a purpose. You were beautifully and fearfully made. You are loved completely by God and though it may feel like it, He has not abandoned you.
    Who knows what is driving your husband to live like this. Who can know the heart of a man... all you can do is know yourself, take care of yourself. In every way. At the risk of sounding trite...pray...I don't know what your belief system is but prayer works...maybe at first, you start praying for him to change, then as God changes you, you will find a new life for yourself, with or without him. You are worth being happy. You are worth living in truth. Gosh I am writing an epistle but I feel for you. There are so many women I suspect living in this lie...In Nigeria, we in general and especially have a perverted sense of marriage. It is not badge to affirm you, it is a sacred design of God to make us better. I wish someone could shake some men (and women) truly.

    My darling. No matter what. Know who and whose you are. It is well with you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.